Perspective

We have been sick for what feels like forever. After finding out that we would be moving and still mid-freak-out for me, Ellie came down with a nasty virus. We had her tested for the flu so we could catch it early and give her tamaflu, but it was negative, and her lungs were mostly clear so we ruled out RSV, but for a little baby girl with reactive airway (asthma), anything involving a croupy sounding cough is scary and horrible. For 6 days she had a fever accompanied by a horrible croupy cough and some nasty congestion. Her days consisted of breathing treatments, sleeping and cuddling on mom's lap with an occasional couple bites of food here and there. She was so miserable. When the fever finally lifted, she was left with just the horrible cough and runny nose for another couple of days and now finally...2 weeks later...she is back to her normal cheerful self.

A few days after she started getting sick, Seth and I started getting the achy fever...and then the cough and congestion...and then his turned into a sinus infection and I lost my voice (which was particularly helpful since I was scheduled to sing in church). Morgan and Chloe each had a bad day or two where they were just feeling a little icky and had a cough, but nothing serious, and then Brynn came down with the cough and fever right as Ellie's fever was lifting, so it was back to breathing treatments, cuddles, and lots of movies and resting.

Finally, we are all on the mend. I am still talking a little bit like a man, and Brynn's cough will take awhile to go away completely (thank you asthma), but I feel like we can get out of the house without spreading our germs far and wide and infecting everyone we know.

The funny thing about all of this is that I was freaking out about twins and getting ready for them, when I found out we would have to move and all of a sudden, I had a new perspective on all those silly worries that were causing me so much stress. Who has time to worry about how you are going to tell the babies apart (blankets/color coded wardrobes?) or which type of stroller is the best when you have things like packing and finding a house to worry about? And then there I was completely freaking out about finding a house and packing up our life (again) and getting sick seemed like the worst possible thing that could pile onto my plate at that point, but really, it gave me a dose of perspective too. When you are worried about whether your little one will be able to breathe through the night without a trip to the ER for some oxygen and how to prevent her from getting dehydrated, you just don't have time to stress about where to get boxes or what to pack first. It was as much as I could do to just wake up in the morning, make sure everyone who wanted to eat food got something, get kids out the door to school and put in a new movie for the kids each time one ended. We ate a lot of soup from a can and we all slept a lot, but you know what, we survived it! I was forced to focus on just the basics of survival and let the rest of it go, and I am happy to report that it has really helped me to realize that whether we find a house today or in a month, we are going to be fine. Sure, I am still wanting to find a place sooner than later, and of course I am stressed that there is nothing out there that will work for us as of yet, but I know that the right thing is going to come along. I am being a little bit picky because I really want this move to stick for at LEAST 2 years, but also because I just haven't gotten that feeling of, "this is where we are supposed to be" yet. I know it is going to come along and every day, I pray that it will come along soon.

Today, the realtor had someone come and take pictures so they can get the house listed early next week. It was stressful trying to get everything ready and looking good and reminded me that, yes, this is going to be a huge pain, but I have to say, sitting here in a spotlessly clean house is quite lovely, so maybe the efforts to keep it clean will benefit our family as well. :) I am ever grateful for the little things that bring me a bit more perspective so I can stay focused on what is truly important and just be patient enough to let the rest of it fall into place in time. I do wish I could learn this lesson well enough already that it wouldn't take so many reminders to get me back on track. :) Either way, grateful to be in a place where I can see so clearly what a blessed life we lead.

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On an entirely separate note, today marks 21 weeks! I cannot believe it! Since I will likely deliver around 36-37 weeks, that means only about 15 weeks left until we get to meet these little fellas! They have both been very healthy and active at all of my appointments and both are growing well. Baby A loves to kick Baby B (rude!) and Baby B is pretty chill about it. He often turns his head away from us, so he doesn't have to get kicked in the face though. Baby A has a swimming pool and Baby B has a hot tub which means we are not quite out of the woods yet as far as TTTS goes, but my MFM thinks that since they are both growing well, we are still fine and the risk decreases significantly in a few more weeks. At 19 weeks I had only gained about 6 lbs., which I am certain is my lowest weight gain for a pregnancy thus far, but I am sure that will change now that I want to eat everything in sight! My appointment was cancelled this week since my OB was sick, so this is the first week I haven't gotten to see the babies on an Ultrasound for a while, but I have a growth ultrasound next Tuesday and an echocardiogram for the babies on Thursday, so it will be a double whammy next week.

Pregnancy wise, it is hard to tell exactly how I am feeling because I have been fighting this virus for so long, but I seem to have quite a bit more energy now that I am on the mend, and my appetite is back in full force because I am starving 24/7! May have something to do with supporting 3 growing bodies. Because of this increased energy, I have been able to go out on walks with the kids, and take on Costco shopping by myself, but inevitably I pay for it later in the day when my energy runs out and I can't move. The heartburn with this pregnancy is worse than anything I have experienced in my other pregnancies/entire life (a common theme with this pregnancy it seems) and without zantac, I can't sleep, drink or eat anything. Weird pregnancy dreams are in full swing and my belly is definitely getting in the way of my comfort. In the morning I feel about the same as I have around 20 weeks with my other kids, but by 8 pm, I feel like I am past 35 weeks and it isn't pretty. My belly is not poking way out because it is pretty well spread out top to bottom and side to side, but it is distinctly a pregnant belly. You can see a picture from a few days ago on instagram here. My legs and hips seem to be toting most of the bulk at this point, which historically means a much longer bounceback afterward, darn it! I am feeling lots of kicks and movements, but not all the time, not in a painful way (yet) and definitely not able to distinguish between them.

My biggest fears at this point are ending up having to get a c-section because I just really don't want to have to go through the recovery with 2 infants and 4 older kids, and getting placed on bedrest before we are able to find a house and move. I am hopeful that neither will be an issue and that we will be able to take on the rest of it as it comes. I am feeling confident that we will be able to get them on a schedule quickly, that I will be able to nurse them easily, and that things are going to be easier (albeit much more chaotic) when they get here. I am certainly not planning on it being easy, but I think it will be manageable. The kids are already in love with the babies and kiss my belly goodbye before they get on the bus in the morning. It is so sweet to hear them pray for "the babies in Mom's tummy" each morning and night and I always have to smile when I find Brynn's drawings of a person with two little people inside of it. The first time she pointed out that it was me and the 2 babies in my tummy and it has now become such a common art subject for her, that I recognize it immediately. Yes, we are all excited to welcome these two little boys to our family and to love them like crazy!

feeling unsettled

This morning I am feeling a little bummed, so I have to apologize in advance for the following complaint post. Monday afternoon, I got a call from our leasing agent letting us know that our landlord had decided to sell the home we are living in. She went over what the law requires as far as us making the home available for showings and apologized that this change in plan happened after such a short time leasing the property (3 1/2 months to be exact). I informed her that we are expecting twins and that we were sad because we had planned to stay here for another 2 years, but also went over my concerns with showing the house under the current circumstances. I was calm and reasonable and she was going to talk with the owner and discuss possibly extending the lease or the option of letting us out of our lease so that we wouldn't be responsible for showing the home.

Then, my brain started going 500 miles a minute. The more I thought about it, the madder I got. It is no small feat to move a family of 6 + a dog. Sure it will be a local move, but it is still a big job and a lot of work. Plus, moving is expensive...not just the cost of the movers/moving truck, but there are deposits and fees, cleaning costs, packing supplies, utility start up charges...having done this 3 times in less than a year and a half, I am acutely aware of the expense of moving and it is not cheap. Then there is the money that we have put into this house to make it work for us: the fence we installed around the pool, the pool cover, the plants and furniture we have had to purchase to make the home work for our needs...again, a rather expensive endeavor. Not to mention I am pregnant with twins and taking a shower, feeding the kids and having a plan for dinner is a very good day at this point. I am healthy, the babies are doing great, and there are no complications, yet I am exhausted 24/7, I have heartburn 24/7, I haven't been able to sleep very well, the aches and pains I am experiencing are similar to what I normally feel during the last month of my pregnancies, and to top it off I spend a few hours every week at the doctors office for check ups and ultrasounds. So, with all of that in mind and the thought that at any point it could get worse and I could be on bedrest...showing the house didn't seem like a good option. I have done the showing a house with kids + dog thing and it is miserable. In fact avoiding having to show a house is probably the primary reason we have chosen to rent while we are here instead of buying a home again, because I pretty much never want to deal with that again. In fact I was so stressed about it that I started having painful contractions and had to leave the dinner table and go lie down for the rest of the evening.

The next morning (Tuesday) by 10:30, I was driving myself insane with the stress of not knowing what was going to happen, so I called the leasing agent to check in. The owner definitely wants to sell right now, but was willing to let us out of our lease and even offered to make right with the pool fence we installed. The dates are still up in the air, but it sounded like they would be pretty flexible in accommodating our needs. After hanging up the phone, I felt much better about the whole situation. There is just something about not-knowing that is so unsettling and even when you know that the path is going to be a hard one...it feels better to know which path it is. Of course, that doesn't mean that all my stress was gone, in fact far from it. Now knowing that we were going to be moving, the professional mover in me started knocking tasks off the list. I pulled up craigslist and the realtor.com app to look for rentals, called on a few of them, made an appointment to see one, figured out how to make room in our budget for another deposit and another set of move in fees, started thinking about where to get boxes, made a mental list of what I could start packing immediately and what we could avoid packing and leave in drawers and bins since this would be a local move, talked to some friends about rentals they knew about and even drove around to look at some areas.

Which brings me to today. There is a total of 1 house that fits within our space requirements, pool requirement (and yes, we feel like that is a reasonable requirement. Remember how I am having twins and we live in Arizona and it will be hot and my kids will not be able to go anywhere this summer because I will be busy feeding and changing babies...the poor little darlings need something fun to do), the geographical requirements for school and work, and our budget (which we have been pretty generous with in our search). ONE house. I am looking at it tomorrow, but there is a chance it could already be leased by then. I am so discouraged and don't know whether it makes sense to move forward with the house if it is still available and we can make it work even though it is quite a bit more a month than we pay now, and in a different ward, and too close to the school to have a bus route, but too far to be a really quick walk for a giant pregnant lady) or if we should wait for something better. The market for rentals here is slim pickings, so there just isn't a whole lot of new stuff opening up and we are kind of on a deadline so we can settle in before the babies come.

I go back and forth between bursting into tears because I feel so overwhelmed and going 500 miles a minute checking tasks off my list. I have moments when I try to see the good in the situation and get a little excited about a bigger house, closer to the school with no bubble glass and more windows and moments when I can't possibly believe this is happening right now. Even in the bad moments, I remind myself that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and for our family. Even though I can't see why right now, I am certain that there is somewhere He needs us to be, and I am trying to have faith that we will find it and maybe be able to stick around for a while. I am heartbroken at the thought of moving our kids again...to a new neighborhood and new friends and a new bus (or maybe no bus at all, which would devastate them), and possibly even a new ward. We will definitely keep them in the same school, because I just can't bear the thought of making them switch schools. This school transition was harder than the last, and it would be horrible to make them go through it again. We will miss our little cul de sac, the neighbor friends who always want to play and our park across the street. They are being champs about it, though...not a single complaint from them when we broke the news...though there were a few requests that we just move back to Utah. :) Oh how I wish my little babies. I crave that feeling of being settled somewhere and knowing that we will be there for more than one of any given season. Of having friends whose babies have grown up with mine so much so that I feel like they are my own. Of having a home that I feel excited to decorate and improve because I know I will be there to enjoy it for at least a few years. Of not having to use a separate page to write down our housing history for the past 5 years. Yes, I crave the consistency of being settled. Yet here we are once again, looking out at the great unknown and wondering where the next few months will take us and praying for the best.

Boy oh Boy!

The verdict is in and there are 2 little boys on the way! The kids have known all along...and even been announcing it to people ever since we told them about a baby on the way, but we were skeptical. I had completely resigned myself to the fact that they were going to be little girls because the last two times hoping for boys had resulted with girls, and I had gotten used to the idea. Truly, I was happy with either. Little girls are fun and dramatic and emotional, but you get to dress them up in pink and ruffles and dresses and bows and tutus and all sorts of sparkly fun. Little boys are rambunctious, and messy and physical, but they are easily entertained, even-tempered, low maintenance and generally easier to manage in my experience (or maybe Morgan is just a little gem).

this is a 3D image of their two heads nuzzled together, baby B is in front 

sucking his thumb and reaching out to touch baby A who is head down.

We are thrilled to have babies dressed and snuggled in blue again, and for Morgan to finally have those brothers he has been praying for since before Brynn was born. I am excited to have a little bit of the stress lifted on our wedding fund planning, and to replace it with a food budget for the years of having two teenage boys at once, not to mention simultaneous missions. I am so excited for little boy clothes and shoes and for the ease of getting them dressed in the morning. I am relieved that I won't have to blow dry 5 heads of hair in addition to my own each morning and excited to build train tracks and hear sound effects coming from the play room. Of course, we have very little baby boy stuff left after all these years (and moves), so it will expensive, but kind of fun to start from scratch for these little guys. All in all, we are so excited for little boys!

And while I am definitely excited, I find myself unexpectedly mourning the fact that there will be no more baby girls. No more pink blankets filling the closet, no more newborn bracelets or blessing dresses, no more tiny bows glued on newborn heads with gel, no more tiny tutus and pettiskirts. I started going through the clothes that Ellie has outgrown and found myself with tears in my eyes unable to part with a few little outfits that I know we will never use again, but that are so precious to me even with their stains and faded colors. I am sure that part of it is pregnancy hormones, but every so often I look at my little Ellie, who is getting more and more grown up each day and I cry that I will never have a little girl this age again. I make her snuggle me for an extra long time before I put her in her crib to sleep so I can try with all my might to soak it all in and not let it pass me by and be forgotten. I am glad she is such a snuggler because she puts up with it and even offers up snuggles and hugs at random followed by a great big giggle and grin of pride because she knows how I love it.

 Baby B profile with baby A's hand reaching into the shot

 Baby A's profile and hand

But, it isn't just baby girls that I am mourning...it is this beautiful chapter of our lives that is ending. Never again will I see a little pink plus sign on a pregnancy test, never again will I hear that very first heartbeat on the doppler and never again will I anticipate whether our little one is a boy or a girl. And while I have no question that this is the end of babies for us and no question that these two little ones will complete our family perfectly and no question that I don't ever ever ever want to go through this whole pregnancy thing again, these experiences have shaped our lives so much over the past 8 years that it is bittersweet to be approaching the end of this chapter of our lives. I am surprised at how sentimental I am about it though, and I'm certain it will only get worse as the little boys arrive and each of their firsts are our very lasts. I think I am starting to understand how hard it is for moms to let their youngest kids grow up. Ultimately, I am so grateful for my family. I have been richly blessed, and I realize it more and more every day. Each of my children is so strong and so caring and so unique and I know that if I can just provide them with the gospel, discipline, values and love they need, they have great things to accomplish in this world. I often wonder if I am really up for the challenge of raising them, and then I remember that I am not doing it alone. Where I fail, Seth fills in the gaps, and any difference that remains, Heavenly Father makes up.

Word of the Year

Yes, a new year means a new annual theme for our family.

"Explore" was definitely a fitting word for 2012. We explored every bit of Portland and the Oregon coast that we could fit in. We picked berries and produce, we saw lighthouses, found favorite beaches, toured wildlife preserves, braved the adventures of downtown Portland a few times, spent hours and hours at the lake, hiked, explored waterfalls, ate delicious cheeses and ice creams, enjoyed museums and zoos and spent lots of time with friends!

We explored new opportunities which brought our little family and a great big truck full of stuff on a very long drive to our new home in Tucson, Arizona. We explored new landscape, researched cacti and how to react if you see a mountain lion, bobcat, coyote or javalina (since such creatures regularly roam our neighborhood), we explored places to find fall leaves and a whole new world of planting and gardening. We spent lots of time playing at the park, sitting in the sunshine, and watching gorgeous sunsets. so many wonderful discoveries!

We explored the idea of expanding our family and after prayerful consideration and a whole lot of gearing ourselves up to do this whole baby thing again, we decided to go ahead and add one last little one to our family. And, as we explored that 12 week ultrasound, we found that Heavenly Father  had blessed us with not one, but two more little ones. Since then we have explored quite a bit more about twin pregnancy and raising twins and while there are still a lot of unknowns, we are getting excited!

In trying to think of our 2013 word, the word Survive came to mind quickly! However, since we like a challenge, we brainstormed words together as a family while we enjoyed our New Years Eve fondue dinner and Shirley Temples. Ultimately, we decided on a word that I think will be perfect...

DELIGHT

Yes, delight as a verb! We want to delight in each other, delight in our family, delight those around us with service, delight in making new friends, delight in the gospel, delight in learning, delight in two little babies and every second of their little lives (this whole last babies thing is getting to me), and delight in all the challenges that those babies are sure to bring! It is going to be quite a year for us...one I know we will look back on and hope that we delighted in it while we lived it! May 2013 be a wonderful year for each of you as well...a year filled with delight!