Beginnings and Endings

Beginnings and endings make me a little weepy.

A few weeks ago, as we were driving on the freeway, Morgan spotted the great big U on the mountain.

"Look mom it is the U for Utah!"

And the tears started welling in my eyes as the flood of emotion washed over me.

Seth started his 6th of 8 semesters on Monday and has less than one year left. It has been hard. Each day has been a struggle to make it through. It has tried me (and Seth and each of our children) in every way imaginable...testing our endurance and patience and faith and willingness to work hard. The kids have gone days without even seeing daddy...and have made do with a mommy who was on the verge of completely losing it. And it isn't over...the hardest parts are yet to come...and it is scary. This semester is a clinical semester...and the clinicals are long. He has 2 12-14 hour clinical days a week in addition to 3 12-hour work shifts and a couple of online classes. He does have 2 days off in there, which I thought would be nice, but one is for church and one is for homework. And the coming semesters require even more hours in clinicals and hours spent working on his final thesis...it is daunting, to say the least.

But that lovely day looking at the U for Utah, all I could think about was how we have grown. When our endurance was tested we were blessed with loving family and caring friends to buoy us up and give us a break and extend support. When together time has been non-existent, we were blessed with greater love and peace and a feeling of unity in our home. When I have felt like there is no way I can handle one more day of this phase or that behavior, inspiration has come, phases have passed, and I have been strengthened to make it through.

That lovely day, I couldn't help but recognize all of this "trial" for the blessing it has been. I felt a little bittersweet thinking that it will soon be behind us...and that we will have to work so much harder to embrace those traits that seem to come so easily when life demands it.

Seth may not agree...I know he is looking forward to playing with the kids, to traveling on whatever schedule we want instead of on a weekend in between semesters, to nights that aren't consumed with homework and case studies, to getting paid for ALL of the hours he is away from our family instead of paying to spend those hours away, to sleeping in every once in a while, to time to do the things we love together - hiking, snowshoeing, camping, and evening walks. He is an amazing man...I could not be more blessed when it comes to the man I married.

Not only did this past week mark the start of a semester for Seth, but also the last full week of preschool for Morgan. Again, the tears welled as I drove him to school on Thursday. I will miss the sweet smile when he jumps in my car from a fun day at preschool and tells me everything that happened. I will miss my days of co-oping and feeling completely exhausted when I get home only to be extra grateful for the opportunity when I hear Morgan say, "thank you that mommy got to come to my preschool class" that night in his prayers. I will miss the sign in sheet and the kisses at the door every morning. But it will be good. He is excited for kindergarten....so excited I don't know how he will make it through the summer!

All in all, it is a blessed life we have. The days are long, but the years seem to go by so fast...too fast. I am grateful for the beginnings and the endings. I am grateful for the emotions that accompany them, because they remind me that this life is sweet and that the hard stuff is worth it. So very worth it!

p.s.

pictures are coming on the project 365 blog...promise!

this blog is all about randomness

lately every single post is a "random stuff" post

maybe because my thoughts are so scattered, maybe because there is too much going on, but whatever the reason, here's another one to keep with the trend!

The other day I did something that Chloe wanted me to do and she said,

"Yeah, that's what I'm talking about!"

It makes me happy that Morgan and Brynn want to hold hands in the car.
What doesn't make me happy is that Chloe is in between them...
she doesn't like it when they hold hands in the car.
Have you ever experienced Chloe when she doesn't like something?

I like to take baths every day instead of showers (it is my little way of pampering myself)...
every day when I am in the bath, Chloe comes in and gives me "bath kisses" over the side of the tub.
I love her.

The kids went on a little adventure with Grandma Becky and Grandpa John a few weeks ago and they told me about this conversation when they got back:

Morgan: "Grandpa, you have a bald spot on the back of your head just like Chloe, but hers grew back.

Will yours grow back too?"

Gma Becky: "Well, sometimes boys start losing their hair when they get to be grandpas."

Morgan: "Hmm, I wonder what will happen to my hair when I become a grandpa?"

My kids really like each other.
When Seth asked Morgan where he wanted to go on his birthday Daddy date,
he said, "Can Chloe and Brynn come too."
This is why I will continue torturing myself by having my kids so close together!

A few days later, they were learning about careers in preschool and I asked Morgan

what he wanted to be when he grew up:

"I want to be a grandpa."

I told him that he can be a grandpa and have a job too.

"I want to be a grandpa AND a dad."

Poor Brynn is sick again. Same ear infection/sinus drainage type deal.

She is scheduled for surgery on Wednesday to get her tubes replaced and her adenoids removed.

We are so so so excited to get it over with.

I stay pretty focused when I go grocery shopping. I make a list, get what is on my list (and sometimes what I forgot to write on the list) and get out. But for some reason
Hostess crunch mini-donettes
ALWAYS call my name. If I see a box, I will buy it.
Since I hate grocery shopping, it is like my $3 pat on the back for doing it anyway.

Brynn thinks she is all grown up.

She wants to sit up to the table like the big kids, drink out of a cup like the big kids, sit on the couch like the big kids, climb on the table like the big kids, play with cars like the big kids, hold a wii-mote like the big kids, wear bracelets and dress ups like the big kids, help "load" the dishwasher like a big kid, play in the sandbox like the big kids, play the piano like the big kids. Oh how much we love her, but she is still a little baby to us.

I love gardening...

the dirt, the blooms, the flowers that will soon be strawberries, the idea of seeds becoming beautiful plants,

the promise of summer cooking, the ugly grayish brown dirt patch that will soon be green and producing fruit

did I mention I love gardening.

a balancing act

For the past few months of learning, considering, researching and finally deciding to officially take on the whole profressional photography gig, I feel like I have been attempting to do a balancing act without any equilibrium. I am LOVING the creative outlet...both the creativity in the photography and exercising my mind on the business side of things, learning like a sponge, and penciling appointments onto my calendar. I love the to do lists and the feeling of victory when something grand is completed to my satisfaction (website, business cards, logo, marketing materials, packaging...). But in finding this creative outlet, I have been missing the boat on good parenting. We have been eating chicken nuggets and cereal and hot dogs and peanut butter sandwiches and little caesar's pizza and spaghetti, if they are really lucky. We have not been to the library to check out books in over a month. My house...suffice it to say I have had to block out a full day for cleaning before we could have people over. Pretty much a whirlwind of craziness.

But, as it always does when I need it, inspiration has come in the most unexpected places. I am finding some balance...and remembering to put things in perspective and keep my priorities in line. I remember why flyLady is so awesome...and why I really REALLY need to stay on track with that! I remember how much energy and life comes into me when my house is clean...all the time. I remember how important it is to just spend quiet time doing nothing. I remember how happy I feel when I get Morgan to school on time...and when I am the first one there for pick-up so he doesn't have to wait a single second for me. I remember how much better my body feels when I cook a real dinner every night (ok...leftovers or cereal one night a week is still good). I remember how important it is to turn off the computers, put away the homework and the studying, and the website, and the forums, and facebook, and email and blogs and just snuggle up to my sweatheart and watch a great movie. I remember how much I need order and schedule and how it is only freeing to throw it all out the window for a day if it is there all the other days to get me back on track! I remember how easy folding laundry is when you do it one load at a time (and when it isn't winter!!!).

Yesterday, I decided to make a change. I wrote down the schedule, made a commitment to myself, talked to the kids about it and set some new rules. We worked together to get the house clean...really clean. I gave myself some "working hours" and figured out how to do what needs to be done on my terms. I think I need to do this about once a month...because I forget!

Today, I followed the schedule (mostly). We slept in...because today is the first day of in between semester break for Seth, got our garden patch ready for planting, put away the folded laundry, played games, read books, kept the kitchen clean, kept the house clean, did the work that needed to be done, and now Seth and I are sitting opposite each other typing away on our laptops...not by default, but because WE decided to put that in the schedule for tonight. 

Motherhood is a balancing act...life is a balancing act.

And when there is balance, I feel more joy, I feel more peace, I feel more control, I feel more empowered, I feel more fulfilled, and I feel more productive.

I love this scripture today:

D&C 88:119

Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God.