Looking back and Looking forward

2013 will go down in the history of our family as the craziest year ever! And with all the crazy, came more love and blessings than I could have ever imagined. It is so strange to think that just a year ago, I had no idea what was headed our way. Our word for 2013 was "Delight" and my goodness how it fit. We truly found delight in all that we experienced! Of course the crowning achievement of our year was welcoming Lincoln and Ryder to our family and from the minute they arrived they have brought us so much delight! We asked the kids to tell us their favorite thing that happened in 2013 and most of them said it was bringing the babies home from the hospital. Their very little lives remind us every day of the miracles we experienced getting them here and how much our Father in Heaven knows us and loves us. I am so glad that we were inspired to choose the word delight as our word of the year, because it was a constant reminder to enjoy every experience, even the ones that tried us to the very core. 

As I look forward to 2014, again I have absolutely no idea what is in store for my little family this year. We sure love this life we have here in Arizona, though, and we wouldn't mind a bit if this year was a little less eventful than the last one. This life of ours is a whole lot of work and everyone in the family has to pitch in and help, so as I was thinking about our word of the year, I felt like we should focus on making a little more time for fun. But as Seth and I talked it over we decided that what we really need is to find a happy balance between work and play, so our word for 2014 is "BALANCE". 

I downloaded the flipagram app to check it out because everyone on Instagram was doing it and you know what? Our 2013 in pictures literally flashing before my eyes captured my heart! I can't believe how much everybody has changed and how much happened! So, don't watch this if you are sensitive to flashing lights because it flips through more than 400 pictures in 30 seconds, but otherwise enjoy! 

Click here to watch

Wishing you a wonderful 2014 filled with love and happiness!

Today I uploaded pictures

from 3 months of letting them pile up on my CF cards. 

And picture after picture I relived the months that have gone by so quickly I can't even remember them. I kicked myself again and again for not being more diligent in getting out my camera and capturing this life of mine...these gorgeous children I get to call my own, the friends that make our lives so rich, the neighborhood that we have come to love, the fun times spent in our backyard, the hours of helping with homework and working on spelling words and the messes and moments that have filled our days. But every few minutes I would come across a picture that made me cut myself some slack because at least I captured a little bit of it. (I need  to take the time to post some of them here because it is evidence that we have indeed been enjoying this life of ours despite the survival mode mentality that has become our new normal.)

And then I came across this one...

 

...and my heart burst into a million pieces with love. 

There isn't anything particularly amazing about this photo, but in it I see the proof that there is a God and that this little family of mine was part of a plan. That these little people who fill my home with noise and chaos, chose this family...these siblings...these parents (bless their little hearts for that one). That this palpable love that all of them exude for one another existed long before they came to this world. And those two little miracle babies fill our home with so.much.love. Their bond is so unique and so sweet that I feel inordinately blessed just to witness it each day. They have captured the hearts of each of their older siblings, and that is a special thing to watch too. 

I am grateful every day when I settle exhausted into my bed to know that this beautiful, chaotic, loud, craziness of a life is mine! That I chose it, I love it and I would choose it again every time!

Sleep...the ultimate quest

When I was pregnant with Lincoln and Ryder, there were a couple of things that I decided I didn't really need to worry about because I knew my body, had done my research and had the experience to back it all up x4. One was exclusively breastfeeding - which is going great. Check! The other was basic baby know how - which is sort of - eh. You pick a lot of it back up, but it would be a lot easier to implement if I had 2 extra hands. But overall, diaper changing, juggling a couple of baby carriers and a toddler, loading and unloading the car a million times a day, hauling what seems like the entire garage to soccer games or the park...we'll consider that one a check too!

Then there is sleep training. Morgan was not a good sleeper, but by the time Chloe came around, we were ready to make sure she was. And we got her, and Brynn and Ellie to be amazing sleepers early on...like 2-3 months old sleeping 10-12 hours at night early on. So, of course, I thought we were going to get these babies to follow suit. But it hasn't been quite that easy. First there was the issue of preemies who need to eat more often and aren't "allowed" to go more than 4 hours between feedings for at least a month. Then there is the issue of their "adjusted age" and being expected to use that as the benchmark...pushing everything back at least a month. And the fact that they shared a crib and now share a room and were waking each other up didn't help either. So I tried a new-to-me method of gradual elimination of night feedings specifically geared toward multiples. I started later than I would have liked because we were traveling when I wanted to start, but we started around 13 weeks old and over the course of a couple of weeks it started to work. With a lot of patience.

I felt like we were about 2 days away from completely eliminating all the night feedings and getting a full 12 hours of sleep at night for them (and 8ish hours for us) when we go the stomach bug at our house and our world turned upside down. A few days of 2-3 minute feedings every 60-90 minutes really threw that for a loop and the babies did not respond well when we tried to again start the gradual elimination method because they ended up with colds a few days after the flu finished its rounds in our house, which had them waking up throughout the night needing to have the boogers sucked from their noses so they could breathe. After about a week of that, they recovered and we started again with success...again. Probably just 2-3 days from getting a full nights sleep, the fussiness began. The screaming-bloody-murder, back-arching in pain for 1-2 hours unconsolably (even with feedings) a couple of times a day and a couple of times at night fussiness. Turns out reflux hit them hard, so we started the prevacid routine we have had to do with all of our other kids. With prevacid in their systems, the babies weren't waking up to eat, rather just waking up wanting their binki, or to be rolled over, or snuggled back with their blanket. In fact, by most standards they were probably each individually doing really well. They were both sleeping a long stretch from 6:30/7 until 11 pm-2am, and then waking up a couple of times and going right back down after attended to. The problem with twins is that two babies each doing well still equates to 2-4 night wakings for mom and almost never at the same times. (They are on a great synchronized schedule during the day, but for the purpose of sleep training, it is advised to let each baby go as long as he can to try and eliminate those feedings). Which brings us up to a couple of weeks ago.

Up to that point I had not slept longer than 3 hours in a row in 4 months+. But worse than that, 3 hours was on a really really lucky night. The typical was more like 1.5-2 hours in a row and totaling less than 5 hours a night...for 4 months. I was a walking zombie...a cranky, exhausted walking zombie. I would desperately search the babycenter forums for solutions, polled the facebook world for their ideas, and even checked out a couple of sleep training books to re-read. I was just too darn exhausted to do the gradual training method again. And somewhere in the midst of my exhaustion I thought...why don't I just trust myself to do this the same way I have done it with all my other kids. That way is the ferber method and letting them cry it out. I am happy to report that it is working. After almost 5 months of not sleeping more than 3 hours in a row, last night I slept 4.5 hours in a row! 4.5!!!! It was amazing. The babies are soooo close to not waking up at all. They go from 6:30/7-5:30/6:30 without a feeding every night, and they only wake up once (or not at all) each and go right back to sleep after a pat on the back and pulling the blanket back over them. I am trying to remember that even though twins are different, I still have to trust my instincts as a mom.

I guess what I am trying to say is this: sleep training twins is ridiculously hard. I think that a very effective form of torture is not allowing a person to sleep for months on end. And on that note, if I have said something stupid, offensive, ultra-opinionated, judgmental, or unsensitive in the last 5 months, please blame my lack of sleep and know that I am sorry and have not been myself. Seriously...the things that come out of my mouth when I am pregnant or sleep deprived are things the normal, well-rested me doesn't even think (excited that this fun facet of my personality gets to be gone forever!). I am looking forward to turning into a human again as sleep and I get reacquainted.

The Power of One Year

One year ago today, our family locked up the back of a giant moving truck, strapped 2 little tikes cozy coupes on the back of my car, opened a bottle of sparkling cider to drink with breakfast on the patio of our empty Oregon house, and then loaded our family into 2 overstuffed cars and drove away from our beautiful life in Lake Oswego, Oregon.

(all of these are iPhone pictures or instagram posts...they were the easiest to access.) :)

Since that day one year ago, we have experienced every range of emotions and experiences...fear, excitement, courage, hope, encouragement, loss, love, miracles, anger, worry, blessings, fun, happiness, heartbreak, prayer...so much prayer, reliance, relief, anticipation, frustration, sickness, health, fatigue, hopelessness, faith, patience, sunshine, newness, overwhelm, friendship, peace, service and pure joy. We have ridden the ups and downs of the rollercoaster of life more in this last year than any time I can remember.

I find myself reflecting often about our time in Oregon. People ask me where we are from and of course I say Utah...but I can't bear to leave out that we lived in Oregon for a year. It is funny how much that place seeped into my bones and became a part of my story...our story. I don't think I could ever again live there because those gray skies almost did me in, but Lake Oswego will always be a place I consider to be "home". I long for our evenings at George Rodgers Park playing in the Willamette River. I miss enjoying 5 breathtaking waterfalls on one short hike. Every day this summer I wanted to pack everyone up and go play at the Lake Grove Swim Park...every.single.day. I yearn to feel the cool salty breeze as I watch my sweet family play in the ocean waves on our favorite Oregon Beach surrounded by the gorgeous views of the Oregon coast. I bought some Oregon Picked Blueberries the other day, and savored every last one I ate remembering the many times we went and picked berries until our buckets and tummies were filled. I miss the kids' school and the amazing system they had for catering to each individual child and fostering creativity while demanding academic excellence. Most of all, I still feel like little pieces of my heart are missing because they are still back there with people who I consider to be some of my dearest friends in the world...very few of them still live right there in our little neighborhood anymore, but my heart knew them there and it will probably always wish to be there with them.

But in a year I have grown to also love this life we have here in Oro Valley. This has been the place where we have had to learn to receive, and the place where so many have selflessly given of themselves for us. I feel like we haven't been able to dive in and become a part of it like we would have liked because we have been in flux for the whole of our time here (not to mention that here has been in 2 different places), but yet it has still managed to weave itself into my soul and become a part of me.

A year from now I wonder what our life will look like. I imagine it will look a lot like it does now, but with two 1 year olds instead of newborns and kids with odd number ages instead of even. I hope it will find us thriving: giving more than we are receiving. I hope it will find us surrounded by friends who have become very dear...friends who have stolen pieces of our hearts forever. I hope I will look around our school and church and know more people than I don't know and that I can weave myself into this place as it has woven itself into me. I do know this: that I will never again underestimate the power of one year to mold and change and shape my life.

Sick x Six

The last 2 weeks at our house have been rough. I thought we were doing pretty well...scheduling playdates, taking showers in the morning and actually styling the girls' hair, getting to school on time, cooking healthy dinners, babies going 9-12 hours between night feedings (still waking up, but on the verge of sleeping right through)...all that fun stuff. And then it hit us: gastroenteritis aka the "stomach flu". It all started when Brynn threw up in primary...and then about 10 more times that afternoon. She even *fell asleep on the bathroom floor.  The next morning Ryder started spitting up more than usual and Ellie started complaining of her tummy hurting and sure enough she was throwing up by bedtime and after cleaning up her crib a couple of times, we made up a bed in our bathtub for her. As soon as we got her situated, Morgan started in, and Lincoln had a very fussy night. Tuesday Lincoln was spitting up more than usual and Chloe was the one complaining of a sick tummy until she started throwing up in the middle of the night.

Needless to say, it was a sleepless couple of days, a lot of cleaning, and a whole LOT of laundry! Once everyone finished throwing up, Seth and I both got hit by a pretty rough cold which slowed us down through the weekend while we still worked to recover from all the sick kids. On Sunday Ryder started projectile vomitting again, but much worse this time, and Lincoln started to get fussy again. Monday both Lincoln and Ryder were spitting up violently and exploding through diapers left and right. I spent the day feeding them 2-5 minutes at a time every 2-ish hours. And just when we thought we were through it, Seth woke up very sick to his stomach Tuesday and had to stay home from work for two days. 

So now, I am the only one who hasn't had the stomach bug and I am living in fear and overdosing on vitamins (prayers are welcome!). The good news is that everyone seems to be on the mend, and the babies are almost back to where they were with their nighttime feedings before all the illness. With any luck I might actually get a full nights sleep sometime this week (I'd even be happy with 3 hours in a row - sad, but true). The bad news is that I don't think I can handle the six sick kids thing ever again. Yesterday morning I thought I was going to have a complete breakdown as the kids were making messes in every room of the house I had stayed up late cleaning the night before, dawdling instead of getting ready for school and Ellie was eating the kids' packed school lunches as they were getting their shoes on to head out the door. And since I know that hoping the sickies never make their rounds at our house again is unreasonable, I'll just hope that next time, I will be well rested and ready to take it on.

*links are to pictures from my instagram feed

Still so fresh

I feel like I borderline post too much of our lives here on the internet, yet that never seems to be on this blog because the truth is I rarely turn on my computer anymore. Thankfully instagram can be posted to from my phone while I am feeding babies (which is a pretty significant portion of my life right now). ;)

This new twin life of ours is still what I consider to be quite wonderful! We have our ups and downs and some days are harder than others, but on the whole, we are surviving and thriving despite a major sleep deficit and a busy schedule now that the kids are back in school.

Tomorrow marks 3 months since those two sweet boys entered this earth life and forever changed me and our family. I hopped on the computer tonight to print some pictures for Brynn's star student poster for preschool tomorrow, and came across the pictures from that sweet day 3 months ago. Immediately, a flood of emotions came over me, and it was as if I was right back there in that operating room meeting them for just a few short seconds before they were whisked off to the NICU.

Lincoln (sorry for the graphic baby boy parts)

Ryder

Holding Lincoln for the first time

Holding Ryder for the first time

What we thought would be a picture of the 4 of us, but the nurse who was taking the picture didn't know how to use the camera so Ryder was out of the frame and we are all out of focus. Seconds later Ryder started turning blue and in just moments all three of my boys were gone to the NICU:

 

And then when I finally made it to the NICU over an hour later, I remember how this sight broke my heart, humbled me to the core and filled me with the deepest sense of love all at the same time.

Lincoln:

Ryder:

And I remember how glad I was to have this man by my side as the tears streamed down my face that night. I remember how sweet it was to pray with him before he left for the night and how quickly our prayers were heard and answered. I remember how calm I felt listening to the doctors say a whole bunch of stuff I didn't understand, knowing that he was there with me understanding all of it. I didn't think it was possible to love him any more than I already did, but having babies always does that to me. How could I not melt seeing the way he looked at that sweet little Ryder man (and how funny it is to think that at that point we still just knew him as Baby #2 formerly known as Baby A).

But, the pictures that take me back the most, are the ones from those 12 days in the NICU. The emotions are still real and raw and I can still say without a doubt that those were the hardest 12 days of my life.

Lincoln:

Ryder:

Lincoln left, Ryder right

And when Lincoln was released from the NICU, but we still had to stay to be with Ryder...

So grateful for the amazing progress they have made in the last 3 months, the tender mercies of the Lord through all of it, and the sweet experience of being their mom, however hard the journey may have been and however hard it may be in the future. Love these little boys with all of my heart!

Our New Normal

I wanted to give it a little bit of time before posting about our new normal and how it is to have 6 kids 8 and under because I thought maybe the first few days were just a fluke or maybe having Seth home from work last week was really skewing my view of our new normal. But, it has been a week and a half...and even a few days of just me and the kids on our own, and as it turns out, our new normal is pretty darn awesome!

I am certain that our 12 day NICU stay was the very worst 12 days of my life...ever, and with the perspective that I am so grateful to not be there anymore, being home from the hospital with these little guys has been absolutely divine. No, I don't get a whole lot of sleep and yes there are 3 bums that need changing on a constant basis throughout the day, loads of laundry to be done, kitchen counters to clean and dinners to make. Four people are depending on me to not nap when the babies nap as everyone keeps suggesting, but take care of them, help them resolve their conflicts, brainstorm fun things they can do to keep busy, take them swimming, feed them, remind them to brush their teeth and hair, and even just snuggle with them when they are having a hard minute/hour/day. I am still stumped about how I will every go grocery shopping this summer, errands are confined to places that have drive thrus, and I NEED a Dr. Pepper (and usually some skittles) at least once a day to make it through.

But, oh how I missed doing those things. Yes, I even missed grocery shopping, cooking meals for my family and doing my own laundry. And sure, I still get frustrated with the kids when they ignore me asking them to pick up their toys for the 5 millionth time today, but what a blessing to be here with them all day every day. To know the things that made them happy and sad. To be the one who they came to for love and understanding. To hug them and kiss their little foreheads any time I feel like it. To be the first to hear their newest favorite phrase/joke/song. To smell that sweet newborn baby smell every 3 hours when I "have to" feed the babies. To see their teeny tiny fingers wrap tightly around mine and the skin get all wrinkled up around their knees because their legs are so skinny. To hear the quiet voices of my big kids as they talk to their little baby brothers and see the way they are drawn like magnets to wherever the babies are. To greet my husband when he walks in the door from work and kiss him goodnight in the comfort of our own room and our own bed. What a blessing it is to do the normal stuff!

We have ventured out of the house a few times already and every time, I end up tired but feeling accomplished. "This is manageable," I tell Seth nearly every night..."a lot of work, but manageable." I hear, "You've got your hands full," and "Are they all yours?" A LOT. Sidenote: asking someone running errands if all the kids with them are theirs is kind of dumb...who takes someone else's kids out to run errands ever, much less when they have newborn twins? We implement the buddy system and Morgan and Chloe have gotten to be very good helpers. Despite what I think is complete and utter chaos, we often get complimented on how good our kids are, which is definitely a mom-ego boost.

I think the hardest part of all of this is feeling like everyone thinks we are so "fragile". We have been so blessed with SO MUCH help from friends and neighbors and family, and we have appreciated (and continue to appreciate) all of it! And, while I will continue to accept and ask for help as we need it, it feels so good to be able to be somewhat independent again. I am consciously trying not to overdo it (despite my overachiever tendencies), and I know my limits, but we are so excited to have neighbor friends over for playdates and to have the missionaries over for dinner and to host BBQs and playgroups at our house. But I wonder if anyone will ever take us up on those things again or if they will always think they can't ask because we already have our hands full. So I am making this official statement - our hands may be full, but there is always room for spending time with family and friends and giving service because that is what we love! We will always choose having someone over for dinner over having someone bring us dinner because the former is so much more fulfilling for us. Our house is open to visitors from here on out, so feel free to plan a trip! It is hot here in Arizona, but our house is kind of like a vacation home with a private pool, no daily charge and early morning wake up calls via children at your bedside. :) Normal is a wonderful thing!

Home Sweet Home!

After spending the day on light therapy yesterday, Ryder's bili dropped more than 4 points. Being off the phototherapy for 6 hours, it dropped again, and they gave us the go ahead to take our little ones home!! Seth and Brynn had come to the hospital to bring me lunch and be there for the news of the blood work, and we all cheered when we got the news! Such a blessing!

We loaded up all of our stuff...amazing how much you accumulate over a 12 day hospital stay...and headed down to the car. Each of the people we saw on our way out who had cared for our babies literally clapped and cheered that we finally got to go home. We were truly blessed to have so many kind and caring nurses and doctors looking out for us and caring for our babies and trying so hard to get us home as quickly as possible.

The kids were so excited to see their two baby brothers come through the door and have spent a good part of the day holding, cuddling and just watching their baby brothers. Chloe and Morgan and Brynn are old pros at holding the babies and being gentle with them and I am amazed at how gentle and sweet Ellie is with them. She loves to hold them, hates when you take them away, and gently touches them and kisses them. There is really nothing that compares to having your family all together under one roof and knowing that you are whole and complete!