Brynn's first day of Preschool

These are from August 2013 when Brynn started preschool. Love this girl and all her silliness...even if she didn't look at the camera once!

Newborn Pictures

My amazingly talented friend took the most gorgeous newborn photos of my babies in her studio. She captured them so beautifully and I love her to pieces for it! Check out her work (it is all amazing, but be warned that you will probably want to have another baby after you visit her site) at www.jenniferbphotography.com.

 

Remembering

Today is 9 months since Lincoln and Ryder were born. I am determined to get caught up on organizing pictures and making sure I know which baby is which, and as I have been sorting through tonight, I am more in love with those two little boys than ever. I am so glad that somewhere in the fog of newborn twins, I got out my camera and captured some everyday moments with them.

Like how tiny their little arms and legs were...

and the gorgeous little fuzz that covered their bodies and collected in a little whisp on their shoulders...

and, of course, the way they seemed to communicate with each other in their own little best buddy way, even before they were a month old.

 

Thank you exhausted new-Mama self, for taking these pictures in your sleep-deprived state.

So thankful for these boys and all the love and joy they brought with them 9 months ago.

xoxoxo

the best things in life are hard

Today I am home from church with three almost-better-but-still-sick babies who are resting, so I want to share some thoughts that have been flooding my mind lately. I know the thoughts are scattered and kind of all over the place, but that is pretty depictive of me right now. 

Being a parent right now is hard. It is filled with worry. Worry that you are doing it all wrong. Worry that you might mess up your kids forever. Worry that despite doing your best those kids have the ability to choose for themselves and there are certainly plenty of opportunities for them to choose the things you know won't make them happy...truly happy. Worry that the people around them won't love them for who they are, that they might get picked on or teased or worse. Worry that they might be the person who picks on or teases someone else. Worry that they won't make the right kind of friends. Worry that they aren't excelling in school. Worry that they are excelling too much in school. Worry that there just isn't time in those short hours they are home with you to mold them into the well rounded person you want them to be. Worry that you can't fit in piano and soccer and dance and football for all of them starting at age 4....or afford all of those things for 6 kids simultaneously. 

And so you are left to choose what is best. And I am glad to have prayer and communication with God to help with that. Time and time again, I find myself choosing to fit less and less into this life of ours. Maybe I am getting old...I am 30 after all. Maybe I am getting tired from months of sleepless nights and carrying two babies around all day. Or maybe I am just getting better at figuring out what really truly builds us up as a family. So, I say no to tennis, and later to piano and yes to having the missionaries over for dinner. I say no to a charter school because I am not willing to take the time out of our lives to spend it in the car back and forth every day even if it means removing the disaster of common core from our lives. I say yes to inviting friends over and playdates, but no to the science fair. I say no to just about anything that falls on a Monday night because that is family home evening and we need to yell, "Welcome to family home evening" at the top of our lungs together as a family so we can make it through the week. I say yes to a later bedtime so we can go for a walk around the neighborhood together as a family while the sun is setting, but no to later bedtime to go to an event at the school. And as I type this out, I am ridden with a kind of guilt for admitting it, but liberated by the reality that in making these choices I am doing what is best for my family.

I wonder if I would have figured this out without the struggles of the last year. As I have been reflecting on where we are now and where we are headed, I have felt such gratitude for the journey we have been on. When we found out we were going to have twins, my initial prayer about it included the words, "What are you thinking, Heavenly Father? How can I possibly handle having two babies?" And now my sentiments have changed so much. I can't imagine my life without these two sweet boys. What a horrible tragedy it would have been to miss out on all the joy and love they have brought into my life. I would have never known what I was missing out on, but now that I have it, I know that it would have been impossible for a loving Heavenly Father to not send them to me. I am sure he patiently smiled to himself, shaking his head during that first prayer on the way home from the ultrasound. He knew what he was doing and I had no idea what I was questioning. Thankfully, I am not in charge of the plan. 

Here is another not-as-fast-flashback flipagram of our twin journey: http://flipagram.com/f/RaKSVYoPhm

Each night at the dinner table we ask a "question of the day" and each person has an opportunity to answer. Often the questions are silly, "If you could be any kind of tree which one would you be?", and sometimes they are more serious, "What is your very best quality?" The kids love to suggest questions, and some of the things they come up with are quite fantastic. One of those included last night's question: "What is your favorite thing about the baby boys." The answers were all similar, but the love was palpable. I wish I could come up with words that would communicate how they have changed our family. Every single one of us. How they have made us love each other more. How they have made us see the world differently. How they have challenged us and shown us our weaknesses. How they have brought out our strengths and deepened our love for ourselves and for our Heavenly Father. How they have built confidence and independence and self-worth in each of our children. How they light up our home. 

I feel similarly about our job adventure. Fresh out of school 2.5 years ago, we thought we would take one of the many job options available, get approved for the loan repayment and 2-3 years later be debt free and ready to move back to Utah and start the rest of our lives. And while you will not find me knocking Utah (many out-of-state Mormons are not big fans of Utah, it seems), the part of my life I thought was going to be the "endure until I can get back to my real life" has turned out to be such a fun adventure. It has been hard in many ways, but again, worth it for the way it has changed us. 

Apparently I haven't actually shared this as I thought I had (probably because I don't actually sit down and blog very often), but the loan repayment thing still hasn't happened for us. When we set out to Portland originally, we really thought (based on what we had heard and read) that we would apply the second it opened and we would get approved and they would pay the money and we would fulfill the service contract. After the program changed and that didn't happen in Portland, we set out to find a job that was more likely to get approved, but we did know that it still wasn't a sure thing. We were approved for one of the repayment programs in the summer, but accepting it would have taken us out of the running for the other (higher paying) program. So, we prayerfully considered and both Seth and I felt like we shouldn't take it, and so we declined it. I thought this meant we were getting the other one and didn't worry. Again, the word came back, though, that we had not been approved. And while it should have sent me into panic mode, it didn't. The email came, the reality sank in, and I said ok, knowing that this was part of a bigger plan and that it would all turn out ok. And so, here we are, at the point we originally thought we would be finishing up our service contract, debt-free and headed back to "start the rest of our lives" and wondering what the next step is for us. We sort of hope it involves sticking around Tucson for a while longer (we are contracted through the end of September, so for sure until then), but the last few years have helped us to realize that we just want to go where Heavenly Father wants us to go and do what he wants us to do. It may not always result in the outcome we were seeking, but it always results in something better than we could have imagined.   

So onward, friends and family. Keep doing the hard things and we will too...looking back it is always the hard things that bring the most joy into our lives!

Looking back and Looking forward

2013 will go down in the history of our family as the craziest year ever! And with all the crazy, came more love and blessings than I could have ever imagined. It is so strange to think that just a year ago, I had no idea what was headed our way. Our word for 2013 was "Delight" and my goodness how it fit. We truly found delight in all that we experienced! Of course the crowning achievement of our year was welcoming Lincoln and Ryder to our family and from the minute they arrived they have brought us so much delight! We asked the kids to tell us their favorite thing that happened in 2013 and most of them said it was bringing the babies home from the hospital. Their very little lives remind us every day of the miracles we experienced getting them here and how much our Father in Heaven knows us and loves us. I am so glad that we were inspired to choose the word delight as our word of the year, because it was a constant reminder to enjoy every experience, even the ones that tried us to the very core. 

As I look forward to 2014, again I have absolutely no idea what is in store for my little family this year. We sure love this life we have here in Arizona, though, and we wouldn't mind a bit if this year was a little less eventful than the last one. This life of ours is a whole lot of work and everyone in the family has to pitch in and help, so as I was thinking about our word of the year, I felt like we should focus on making a little more time for fun. But as Seth and I talked it over we decided that what we really need is to find a happy balance between work and play, so our word for 2014 is "BALANCE". 

I downloaded the flipagram app to check it out because everyone on Instagram was doing it and you know what? Our 2013 in pictures literally flashing before my eyes captured my heart! I can't believe how much everybody has changed and how much happened! So, don't watch this if you are sensitive to flashing lights because it flips through more than 400 pictures in 30 seconds, but otherwise enjoy! 

Click here to watch

Wishing you a wonderful 2014 filled with love and happiness!

Today I uploaded pictures

from 3 months of letting them pile up on my CF cards. 

And picture after picture I relived the months that have gone by so quickly I can't even remember them. I kicked myself again and again for not being more diligent in getting out my camera and capturing this life of mine...these gorgeous children I get to call my own, the friends that make our lives so rich, the neighborhood that we have come to love, the fun times spent in our backyard, the hours of helping with homework and working on spelling words and the messes and moments that have filled our days. But every few minutes I would come across a picture that made me cut myself some slack because at least I captured a little bit of it. (I need  to take the time to post some of them here because it is evidence that we have indeed been enjoying this life of ours despite the survival mode mentality that has become our new normal.)

And then I came across this one...

 

...and my heart burst into a million pieces with love. 

There isn't anything particularly amazing about this photo, but in it I see the proof that there is a God and that this little family of mine was part of a plan. That these little people who fill my home with noise and chaos, chose this family...these siblings...these parents (bless their little hearts for that one). That this palpable love that all of them exude for one another existed long before they came to this world. And those two little miracle babies fill our home with so.much.love. Their bond is so unique and so sweet that I feel inordinately blessed just to witness it each day. They have captured the hearts of each of their older siblings, and that is a special thing to watch too. 

I am grateful every day when I settle exhausted into my bed to know that this beautiful, chaotic, loud, craziness of a life is mine! That I chose it, I love it and I would choose it again every time!

Sleep...the ultimate quest

When I was pregnant with Lincoln and Ryder, there were a couple of things that I decided I didn't really need to worry about because I knew my body, had done my research and had the experience to back it all up x4. One was exclusively breastfeeding - which is going great. Check! The other was basic baby know how - which is sort of - eh. You pick a lot of it back up, but it would be a lot easier to implement if I had 2 extra hands. But overall, diaper changing, juggling a couple of baby carriers and a toddler, loading and unloading the car a million times a day, hauling what seems like the entire garage to soccer games or the park...we'll consider that one a check too!

Then there is sleep training. Morgan was not a good sleeper, but by the time Chloe came around, we were ready to make sure she was. And we got her, and Brynn and Ellie to be amazing sleepers early on...like 2-3 months old sleeping 10-12 hours at night early on. So, of course, I thought we were going to get these babies to follow suit. But it hasn't been quite that easy. First there was the issue of preemies who need to eat more often and aren't "allowed" to go more than 4 hours between feedings for at least a month. Then there is the issue of their "adjusted age" and being expected to use that as the benchmark...pushing everything back at least a month. And the fact that they shared a crib and now share a room and were waking each other up didn't help either. So I tried a new-to-me method of gradual elimination of night feedings specifically geared toward multiples. I started later than I would have liked because we were traveling when I wanted to start, but we started around 13 weeks old and over the course of a couple of weeks it started to work. With a lot of patience.

I felt like we were about 2 days away from completely eliminating all the night feedings and getting a full 12 hours of sleep at night for them (and 8ish hours for us) when we go the stomach bug at our house and our world turned upside down. A few days of 2-3 minute feedings every 60-90 minutes really threw that for a loop and the babies did not respond well when we tried to again start the gradual elimination method because they ended up with colds a few days after the flu finished its rounds in our house, which had them waking up throughout the night needing to have the boogers sucked from their noses so they could breathe. After about a week of that, they recovered and we started again with success...again. Probably just 2-3 days from getting a full nights sleep, the fussiness began. The screaming-bloody-murder, back-arching in pain for 1-2 hours unconsolably (even with feedings) a couple of times a day and a couple of times at night fussiness. Turns out reflux hit them hard, so we started the prevacid routine we have had to do with all of our other kids. With prevacid in their systems, the babies weren't waking up to eat, rather just waking up wanting their binki, or to be rolled over, or snuggled back with their blanket. In fact, by most standards they were probably each individually doing really well. They were both sleeping a long stretch from 6:30/7 until 11 pm-2am, and then waking up a couple of times and going right back down after attended to. The problem with twins is that two babies each doing well still equates to 2-4 night wakings for mom and almost never at the same times. (They are on a great synchronized schedule during the day, but for the purpose of sleep training, it is advised to let each baby go as long as he can to try and eliminate those feedings). Which brings us up to a couple of weeks ago.

Up to that point I had not slept longer than 3 hours in a row in 4 months+. But worse than that, 3 hours was on a really really lucky night. The typical was more like 1.5-2 hours in a row and totaling less than 5 hours a night...for 4 months. I was a walking zombie...a cranky, exhausted walking zombie. I would desperately search the babycenter forums for solutions, polled the facebook world for their ideas, and even checked out a couple of sleep training books to re-read. I was just too darn exhausted to do the gradual training method again. And somewhere in the midst of my exhaustion I thought...why don't I just trust myself to do this the same way I have done it with all my other kids. That way is the ferber method and letting them cry it out. I am happy to report that it is working. After almost 5 months of not sleeping more than 3 hours in a row, last night I slept 4.5 hours in a row! 4.5!!!! It was amazing. The babies are soooo close to not waking up at all. They go from 6:30/7-5:30/6:30 without a feeding every night, and they only wake up once (or not at all) each and go right back to sleep after a pat on the back and pulling the blanket back over them. I am trying to remember that even though twins are different, I still have to trust my instincts as a mom.

I guess what I am trying to say is this: sleep training twins is ridiculously hard. I think that a very effective form of torture is not allowing a person to sleep for months on end. And on that note, if I have said something stupid, offensive, ultra-opinionated, judgmental, or unsensitive in the last 5 months, please blame my lack of sleep and know that I am sorry and have not been myself. Seriously...the things that come out of my mouth when I am pregnant or sleep deprived are things the normal, well-rested me doesn't even think (excited that this fun facet of my personality gets to be gone forever!). I am looking forward to turning into a human again as sleep and I get reacquainted.

The Power of One Year

One year ago today, our family locked up the back of a giant moving truck, strapped 2 little tikes cozy coupes on the back of my car, opened a bottle of sparkling cider to drink with breakfast on the patio of our empty Oregon house, and then loaded our family into 2 overstuffed cars and drove away from our beautiful life in Lake Oswego, Oregon.

(all of these are iPhone pictures or instagram posts...they were the easiest to access.) :)

Since that day one year ago, we have experienced every range of emotions and experiences...fear, excitement, courage, hope, encouragement, loss, love, miracles, anger, worry, blessings, fun, happiness, heartbreak, prayer...so much prayer, reliance, relief, anticipation, frustration, sickness, health, fatigue, hopelessness, faith, patience, sunshine, newness, overwhelm, friendship, peace, service and pure joy. We have ridden the ups and downs of the rollercoaster of life more in this last year than any time I can remember.

I find myself reflecting often about our time in Oregon. People ask me where we are from and of course I say Utah...but I can't bear to leave out that we lived in Oregon for a year. It is funny how much that place seeped into my bones and became a part of my story...our story. I don't think I could ever again live there because those gray skies almost did me in, but Lake Oswego will always be a place I consider to be "home". I long for our evenings at George Rodgers Park playing in the Willamette River. I miss enjoying 5 breathtaking waterfalls on one short hike. Every day this summer I wanted to pack everyone up and go play at the Lake Grove Swim Park...every.single.day. I yearn to feel the cool salty breeze as I watch my sweet family play in the ocean waves on our favorite Oregon Beach surrounded by the gorgeous views of the Oregon coast. I bought some Oregon Picked Blueberries the other day, and savored every last one I ate remembering the many times we went and picked berries until our buckets and tummies were filled. I miss the kids' school and the amazing system they had for catering to each individual child and fostering creativity while demanding academic excellence. Most of all, I still feel like little pieces of my heart are missing because they are still back there with people who I consider to be some of my dearest friends in the world...very few of them still live right there in our little neighborhood anymore, but my heart knew them there and it will probably always wish to be there with them.

But in a year I have grown to also love this life we have here in Oro Valley. This has been the place where we have had to learn to receive, and the place where so many have selflessly given of themselves for us. I feel like we haven't been able to dive in and become a part of it like we would have liked because we have been in flux for the whole of our time here (not to mention that here has been in 2 different places), but yet it has still managed to weave itself into my soul and become a part of me.

A year from now I wonder what our life will look like. I imagine it will look a lot like it does now, but with two 1 year olds instead of newborns and kids with odd number ages instead of even. I hope it will find us thriving: giving more than we are receiving. I hope it will find us surrounded by friends who have become very dear...friends who have stolen pieces of our hearts forever. I hope I will look around our school and church and know more people than I don't know and that I can weave myself into this place as it has woven itself into me. I do know this: that I will never again underestimate the power of one year to mold and change and shape my life.