Positive Progress!

So, we are 2 and a half weeks post surgery and everything looks absolutely fantastic with the babies! They both have plenty of fluid, they are both filling and emptying their bladders consistently and even going through the movements to practice breathing. Best news of all, both babies are growing like crazy! At my ultrasound on Tuesday, which was 26 weeks and 7 days gestation, Baby A was measuring 2 lbs and Baby B, the little tanker, was measuring 2 lbs. 3 oz. Of course, there is a HUGE margin of error when estimating baby weights based on measurements in utero, but it is so comforting to think that not only are they growing well, they are thriving in there! That puts both of them around the 30th percentile for size, which is pretty impressive considering just 2 weeks prior they were both measuring below the 10th percentile.

This is all fantastic and we feel like it is such a miracle that these babies are alive and kicking! We are still not completely able to relax yet, though. Our surgeon told us when we had the surgery that 4 weeks post surgery, if everything is going well, that is a good indicator that everything will be fine, so we are holding our breath for about a week and a half more (which, consequently, is the day before our move).

Quite a few people have asked me how we have stayed so positive through all of this, and I attribute most of it to faith, a good portion to the outpouring of love on our family, and the rest to sunny weather and blue skies. That said...the next part of this post is about my pregnancy at this point and you will all see that I am indeed, a very flawed human, and not optimistic about everything. But, lest I forget all the details of this lovely pregnancy, I feel it necessary to record the other part of this story, so my little boys will be able to fully appreciate their mama and all she endured to get them here.

As far as I am concerned, this pregnancy thing is killing me. I had to switch doctors after the surgery to make sure we would be able to deliver at the hospital with the best NICU possible for these little ones (and to avoid the possibility of one getting transferred to the better NICU and one staying at the closer hospital because I am sure the back and forth would be more than I could handle). The new Dr. may or may not be great...I don't know because I haven't met her...and may not get the chance to meet her until delivery. She is the head of the high risk specialty clinic at the hospital, and the way the whole thing is set up is not awesome at all. Because I am high risk, I can't actually schedule with my Dr., but have to set up my appointments on the "high risk clinic" day. This leaves me with no flexibility whatsoever as the appointments are only Thursday afternoons. Then, I see a different person every time...one of which could be my Dr, but that hasn't happened yet. The Dr. who has come in at the end of each of my appointments (because it is a teaching hopsital and they have the residents and fellows do the main appointment part and then the specialist comes in to make sure everything is good and answer questions) has consistently been the same, but he drives me kind of crazy, bless his heart. He is very laid back in his approach, and has given me instructions that directly contradict the orders from my surgeon, more than once. In addition to all of this, the new clinic is a full 45 minutes away from my house, and I have not yet waited less than an hour to be seen, despite having scheduled appointments. I am hopeful that this will get better, and that maybe it is just a matter of getting care transferred and getting them up to speed on where I am, but I am not holding my breath. I am not sure why, of all the trials and unexpected changes that have come into our lives recently, this clinic is the thing that is causing me the most stress and frustration, but it is and I am so glad that in 9 weeks, I will be done with this pregnancy and able to go back to my other wonderful OB (and never be pregnant ever again)!

At my appointment on Thursday, I was measuring 37 weeks pregnant...I was 27 weeks 1 day. Yes, that means I am as uncomfortable as normal people are when they are in those final few weeks of pregnancy. Everything hurts, I always have to pee, and EVERYBODY stops me to ask when I am due. Don't people know that when you look really uncomfortable you don't want to be asked that question? Today we went grocery shopping - a family costco trip where all I had to do was hold Chloe's hand and tell Seth what to put in the cart and a quick solo run to walmart for a couple of things. About halfway through Wal Mart, I discovered why all my twin mama friends told me they had to use those power-wheelchair-grocery-cart things toward the end of their pregnancies. I was waddling like a duck, breathing heavily and having contractions like crazy. I almost just abandoned my cart, went home and sent Seth back for the groceries, but being the strong willed stubborn woman I am, I pushed on, literally, trying to support my extra weight with the shopping cart, until I found those darn gold wrapped rolos for the leprechauns to leave at the end of the rainbow scavenger hunt tonight.

Then there is the heartburn. I am no stranger to heartburn during pregnancy, but this time around, it is like I swallowed a fire breathing dragon and everything I eat or drink, including water, makes him raging mad. Did you know that with twin pregnancies you have to take the horrible gestational diabetes test twice? The first time was much less horrible than I remember, but I had to take the second one this week and it was much more horrible than I remember. I had a complete and total sugar crash after the test and was so thankful that Chloe was being cooperative and took care of Ellie all afternoon while I slept on the couch like a dead body. Then, the lasting effects of the sugar high and crash lingered for 3 days making me feel woozy, sleepy, thirsty, hungry and swollen constantly. I passed the test (according to my Dr. - of course he is laid back and even though I was right on the borderline decided not to have me take the 3 hour test - this is the first time I have been thankful for his lackadaisical approach), but I am trying to make sure I get a balance of protein and carbs so it doesn't get any worse. The back pain, and round ligament pain, and sciatic nerve pain, and ribcage pain, and lower belly pain are all...well, painful, so I am so excited that it is fast approaching swimming weather since floating in a pool is really the only way to find relief from any of it.

Ellie is still not thrilled that I don't pick her up anymore, and at least once a day, I end up sitting on the floor cradling her in my arms because she is having a meltdown because mom wouldn't hold her. She is 90% cooperative when it comes to getting herself in and out of the high chair, crib and car seat, but every so often she pitches a fit and I have to break the rules and lift her. It is funny to me, because, while she is a snuggler, she has always been pretty independent and I have never been the type of mom to hold my babies all the time. I figured we would be fine because we do most of the snuggling in a chair or on the couch reading books, but I was surprised by how often I used to pick her up to give her loves or help her get where she needed to be. It will be so nice to be able to lift her again because I sure miss twirling her around and getting slobbery kisses from her!

The other kids are trying their hardest to be helpful, but are definitely taking advantage of the fact that mom can't really enforce much as far as chores go. We have been watching waaaaay too many episodes of My Little Pony and playing waay too many computer games lately, but we are surviving! They all think it is hilarious that my belly button sticks out and constantly want to lift my shirt so they can see it...and show it to other people...not my favorite thing they do. Brynn is in love with Baby B and has a very special bond with him because her name starts with B and he is baby B. The other day she was laying on my tummy on my left side where Baby B is, and she said, "Mom, you should only chew on this side of your mouth so baby B will get enough food." She has decided on names for both babies and not only 2 names, but which name goes to which baby. The names just might stick because the rest of us (mostly Seth) are being indecisive. Morgan is so aware of what is going on, and likes to wiggle my belly to play with the babies and get them to kick so he can feel it. Chloe likes to feel them kick too, but she is the one who talks to my belly the most...in fact, every morning before she gets on the bus, she gives both babies kisses and tells them goodbye. Even Ellie has started to identify my belly with the question, "Where are the babies?" The sibling bond is a pretty amazing thing!

Yes friends, twin pregnancy is a beast! I do not wish it on anyone...it is in no way, shape or form a 2 for 1 deal...on the contrary it is at least double the horribleness of a singleton pregnancy and quadruple the Drs appointments and stressful complications. I am very glad that this is our last pregnancy, though, because if it had been our first pregnancy, I still think it would have been our last.:)

Post Surgery Update

We went in for the surgery right after I posted my last post and everything went so well!

The surgery itself was quite different from what I expected...probably because my expectations were a little unrealistic. Having never had surgery before, this was quite the experience for me. I felt pretty calm and put together, though I was missing Seth as soon as he was directed to the waiting room and I was wheeled into the operating room. Then they strapped me to the table (not my favorite thing) before I got myself in a comfortable enough position to stay in for the next hour and a half (probably because such a position does not exist when you are 25 weeks pregnant with twins). Then they started me on my "cocktail" of meds to keep me calm and somewhat sedated. Drugs + me = not good. I immediately started to feel dizzy and not all there. I kept asking them, "I am really dizzy, is this normal?" and "Why am I so sleepy all of a sudden, I am not supposed to feel sleepy am I?" And because I was so very out of it thanks to the meds, I didn't get to reposition myself before they started the surgery, which I regretted as soon as I realized they were inserting the scope and I was required to be completely still. Immediately I was feeling lots of pressure which was pretty painful. Again, I was asking, is it normal to be in pain? And they were all looking at me like, uh, lady, there is a scope inside your amniotic sac...pain and pressure are to be expected.  (I sound like such a whimp here. I typically have a pretty high pain tolerance, but I was expecting to be numbed for all of this pain - so virtually feel nothing - so I think I was just taken back by feeling pain). Then the nausea started up and they had to give me something for nausea to prevent me from throwing up mid-surgery. It is probably a good thing I have never been inclined to drink or take drugs because I really hate the feeling of not being in control of my body! In the recovery room, as I was telling my nurse about all of this, she said, "You don't drink much, do you?" Ha...nope I don't! Anyway, back to the surgery, it was incredible to see those little babies on the screen. Baby A was trying to help Dr. Chmait as he was lasering vessels and just about got himself a little tattoo. I saw Baby B through the membrane he was all seran wrapped in, but obviously didn't get a very close look at him. Baby A was excited to show off his boy parts for the camera and everyone was so amused by that that they actually included a "pee pee" shot as one of the ones they printed for us...the kids have been having fun giggling about it since we got home. I wish the images they printed for us could capture exactly how amazing it was to see my little unborn babies swimming around in the womb! So incredible!

this is Baby A's fist. You can see him putting it up to his face on the right in the ultrasound view 

and the left image is what we saw through the scope. 

This is Baby A touching his face (I think it is his face anyway). Amazing how you can see 

the little wrinkles in his thumb and even what looks like a thumbnail.

And the famed "pee pee" shot. Little buddy, it is your own fault for hanging out in front of the camera with your boy parts for so long! If you can look past the boy parts, though, you can see his little legs and tummy. Such a teeny little thing! Fatten up, would ya!?

After surgery, Dr. Chmait reassured me that it went well and he felt like he had been able to get all of the connecting vessels so we had successfully cured the Twin to Twin Transfusion. He also told me that he found that the babies were unequally sharing the placenta. Baby A is using about 75% of the placenta and Baby B only about 25%. Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done about that, but now that they are each getting the full share of the placenta portion they have, they will at least be able to grow safely at their own pace independent of each other. This does put B at a disadvantage since he is already so small and has so little of the placenta, but after doing some research, this is very common with identical twins and there is a good chance they will be just fine. They showed me the fluid that they removed from Baby A's sack and it was about a liter and a half...crazy! I definitely do feel lighter though!

Then they wheeled me into recovery and Seth was able to join me! Dr. Chmait's incredible nurse, Arlene, who had been taking care of us every step of the way and had been in the OR with me, also came and joined us in recovery to talk to us about the procedure, how it went, and make sure I recovered well before they turned us over to the hospital. I was having contractions all over the place and they were pretty painful, so they gave me a shot of terbutaline to stop the contractions. After a bit, I couldn't feel the contractions anymore because they had subsided enough, so I was able to have some ice water WOO HOO! and get wheeled to my room where "lunch" was waiting for me. It was cold beef stew and carrots, but I seriously didn't even care because I was so starving!

The hospital food was kind of interesting...chicken fajitas for dinner, beef stew for lunch...just not your typical healthy hospital food spread. They were so kind, though, and brought in a bed and meals for Seth too. :) Dr. Chmait came in to check on me a few times before he left for the day and I was able to get off my catheder and IV pretty quickly. Another big WOO HOO! He prescribed an ambien to help me sleep, but I wasn't sure I needed it and the nurse didn't even get a chance to offer it to me because I was fast asleep when she came in. I slept pretty well, other than a tender belly from the surgery and two babies kicking me from the inside, but honestly, that was so reassuring that it just made me happy!

In the morning Dr. Chmait came in to check on us and talk through the schedule for the day and when he found out we were driving back home as soon as we were discharged decided to have our ultrasound first (we were supposed to be second). They did the ultrasound of my cervix first and found that it held up well and was as long if not longer than before the surgery which was great news. Then the regular ultrasound showed 2 heartbeats...and 2 full bladders! It was such happy news. Everything looked great and we had hit the 2nd milestone of 2 heartbeats, so they talked in detail about what bedrest would look like for me and let us get discharged from the hospital and we were back on the road. We got home right as the kids were tucked into bed and got to give the older ones a kiss and a hug, and then we got to sleep in our own bed! It was amazing how well I slept in my own bed!

My discharge orders were bed rest for a week - no lifting, no cleaning, no grocery shopping, no packing, no lifting boxes, spending most of my time sitting or lying down and getting lots of rest. Then we will be on "minimal-light activity restriction" for the rest of the pregnancy with strict orders to sit with my feet up for at least 2 hours, twice a day. Bed rest is not easy for me, particularly when I feel pretty good, and Ellie isn't sure why I haven't picked her up in days, but we will get through it and I am blessed that I am still able to get around and take kids to the bus stop and drive myself to Drs appointments.

The reason for the bedrest in my case is not as much for the risk of preterm labor since my cervix is so long, but because the surgery creates a hole in the amniotic sac, and unlike our skin, the amniotic sac has no way to repair that hole. So, the only reason fluid isn't leaking out is that the hole is pushed up tight against the uterine wall. Straining to lift, or move in a weird way or even to go to the bathroom (TMI?) could cause the uterus to change shape and allow the amniotic sac to leak and/or burst. Every time I cough or feel a little nauseous, I kind of freak out that I might burst the sac...so scary. We are hoping that I can take it as easy as possible until we hit 28 weeks (I wonder if I can make it that long without vacuuming, but that is the goal...28 weeks is only 2 weeks from Wednesday), and then our next mini-goal is 30 weeks and then 32 weeks (April 17), and then of course, I will continue to take it easy, but if we make it to 34 weeks (May 1), I will just count it as a HUGE miracle that we made it that far and will feel complete peace with them coming at any point after that. (I know that sounds super early still, but considering all of the factors it would truly be a miracle!)

This is such a different experience than I have ever had or than I expected with these babies. I have never for a minute worried that my babies would be small, but that is a significant concern this time around. I have never worried that I was going to have babies come early and spend time in the NICU, but at this point, I am just planning for that to be the case and hoping I will be pleasantly surprised and they won't have a long NICU stay. I have never worried about the lower weight limit on an infant carrier before or not being able to get the nursery ready. When I was pregnant with Brynn I was putting siding on the garage at 7 months pregnant, for heavens sake!

I am learning, yet again, to submit to the will of my Heavenly Father and just let Him be in charge and have faith in his plan. We have felt the love and peace of our Heavenly Father so distinctly in the last few weeks and the love of friends and family and neighbors! So many of our faraway friends and family have expressed their concern and desire to be able to be close enough to help, but I want to assure you all, that we are being watched over and taken care of! We were so sad to say goodbye to Sarah and Michael last night after they made dinner, mopped floors and took care of kids all week (not to mention providing lots of fun entertainment for the kiddos) and so appreciated their help. We have dinners coming all week this week and offers for dinners for the next few weeks from the amazing people in our ward. There is a list of people coming to help us pack boxes and people willing to take the kids at a moments notice for appointments, emergencies or when I need a break. Our dear neighbors across the street dropped off a freezable meal last night so we would have dinner whenever we need it most. We have been the recipients of so many prayers and calls and texts and emails. We have family scheduling trips to come out and help us. It is just such an amazing - and even overwhelming - feeling to have so much love showered out on our little family. I feel like I am watching a hundred miracles unfold before my eyes each day and have never been quite so aware of all the little blessings that are bestowed upon us each day. As we look around and see many people we love facing much more difficult circumstances than ours, we feel truly blessed that this small trial is ours to endure and are grateful for the opportunity to exercise our faith.

Finally, because of all the risks associated with the surgery and the additional risks we found as we prepared for the surgery, we made the decision with heavy hearts to transfer our care to a new OB at a high risk practice who could deliver at a (further away) hospital with a higher level NICU. I have not met the new OB yet, but have heard wonderful things about her and am so confident in her abilities. It was a hard decision to switch because my OB and MFM have taken such amazing care of us through all of this, and I credit much of our babies' well being to their diligent watch and care, but both of them recommended the switch in the best interest of the twins. That is truly the sign of a caring and wonderful doctor. Because of the transfer of care, the new OB wanted to check in on the babies as quickly as possible since my first appointment with her is not until Thursday of this week, so I was able to go in for a spot check ultrasound on Friday in Labor and Delivery and they found that both boys are still doing well, have great heartbeats and full bladders, and the dividing membrane was visible because little Mr. B finally had some fluid! No more seran wrap going on! HOORAY! So now we just continue to take it easy, get lots of protein, lots of water and lots of rest, and hope that the next few weeks will continue to show progress in the right direction!

Quick Update: Surgery Today

Yesterday was a long day of lots of ultra sounds, lots of tests, and a whole bunch of conversations about the what ifs. Here is what we have learned:

- the babies have stage 2 TTTS - Baby A's fluid pocket is 13.5, Baby B has no fluid to measure
- they are both measuring very small - Baby A's size is the 8th percentile (10 is when they start to worry) and Baby B is below the 3rd percentile for size. This is not common with TTTS, so this is something we will be dealing with as we go on in the pregnancy and hoping to resolve!
- Baby A's heart is slightly thickened, though the effects from the TTTS have been minimal on his heart. Additionally, though, he does have an extra hole in his heart that we will be watching closely. It is in a good position to clear up on its own and is not life threatening, but we will definitely be watching it after he is born.
- Everything else about them looks really great!

We are heading to the hospital to get hooked up on the antibiotics and IVs now and surgery will be at 10:00 am PST. Hopefully we will get a chance to update with more details later today and be able to share good news!

Thanks for all the prayers and fasting and messages and emails and outpouring of love! We have felt your support so strongly and are so very blessed!

LA Bound

The ultrasound yesterday morning showed both babies still doing well, but that things had progressed into stage 2 TTTS. Baby B has little to no fluid left in his sac and for the first hour of the ultrasound they could not find a bladder. At the very end we thought we saw something that maybe could have been a bladder filling up a tiny bit, but if it was indeed a bladder it was miniscule. Baby A, on the other hand, has a huge swimming pool of amniotic fluid...so much so that it is pushing up against my lungs and ribs to the point where I am always out of breath and in a significant amount of pain all day long.

After researching our options, and on the recommendation of my MFM (the specialist that has been monitoring me throughout this pregnancy), we are scheduled to meet with the surgeon in Los Angeles on Monday morning and spend the day there for an ultra sound, consult, fetal echocardiogram and prepping for surgery. The surgery is scheduled for Tuesday morning at 10 am and then we will stay in the hospital that night. They will check on the babies the next morning and if everything looks ok, we will be on our way back home! 

We feel so blessed with the timing of all of this. The wonderful Sarah (Michael's fiance) is arriving this afternoon for a trip that has been scheduled forever it seems like and she is up to the challenge of running the household while we are in LA for the surgery. We know this is not by chance but by divine design. Lucky for us, her trip is scheduled to last all the way through the week, so we will have her help as we get home as well. We have had so many willing friends and neighbors who are taking such good care of us both physically and emotionally. I tear up every time I look at my phone or turn on my computer because my inboxes are brimming with notes of love and support and prayers for our little family.

While I certainly wouldn't have chosen this trial (as if we get pick), I am so grateful for the lessons I am learning about faith, patience, service and recognizing the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father that are so abundant. In the face of all that is going on, I know that whatever the outcome, our family will be ok. I see the hand of the Lord guiding our little journey hundreds of times throughout the day and just feel overwhelmed at how blessed we are! It has been difficult to share the details and uncertainty of the situation with our kids, but their little faithful hearts are inspiring to me. They have been so wonderful about all the shuffling around from place to place. They are trying hard to be helpful about cleaning the house and taking care of their own needs and each others needs while Mom is busy talking to Doctors and Nurses on the phone. I am blessed to have such wonderful little souls in my care and look forward to things settling down a bit, so I can give them the love and attention they need and not feel like such a frenzied mess.

We are very hopeful that the surgery will go well and that the boys will be able to stabilize and recover and keep cooking for at least a few more weeks before they make their appearance. We are in very skilled and caring hands and our situation is fairly mild in comparison to many TTTS cases because it developed late and we caught it early. Our surgeon is one of the very best in the nation with amazingly high success rates. You can actually watch a segment showing him performing the surgery we will have here. It is incredible that this technology exists and to be honest, I am so excited to see MY babies on the screen like that (I will be awake for most of the surgery and able to see what they are seeing in the scope - so incredible). My biggest worry right now is really the recovery. The incision is so small that they don't even need to stitch it up, just seal it with some surgical glue, so it won't be difficult or painful in that way. I will have to minimize my activity after the surgery, however, and won't be able to pick up Ellie, do much cleaning, or do any packing at all. With a very active 19 month old, our move only 4.5 weeks out and my I-want-to-be-an-over-achiever personality, this will be extremely difficult for me, but I am grateful for the sweet friends who have been so insistent that they want to help because I know I will have to rely on them a lot.

So many of you have asked how you can help, and we would like to ask anyone who would like and is able, to join us in a fast for our little ones tomorrow (Sunday February, 24). We know that there is strength and power in prayer and fasting! I will continue posting updates to the blog throughout the week as I am able.

TTTS - things just got complicated

Today at my ultrasound we found out that our twins have TTTS (twin to twin transfusion syndrome). It is only in stage 1, which is good news, but has developed in less than 2 weeks, which is not so good news. It only occurs in about 15% of monochorionic twins (twins who share a placenta) or about 1 in 1000 pregnancies, so again, we are an anomaly. Basically what is happening is that Baby A is not only getting nutrients from the placenta, but is also stealing nutrients from Baby B through a shared connection to the placenta. At this point the only thing wrong is that Baby B has significantly less amniotic fluid and his amniotic sac is wrapped around him kind of like seran wrap. Otherwise everything looks good...both heart rates are great, kidneys are working, and bladders are filling and emptying.  As any of these indicators change, the TTTS will progress to further and scarier stages.

If the TTTS does not progress, then it will just mean more Dr. appts. to monitor growth and progression (multiple appts. with the specialist each week in addition to my OB visits which will start to happen weekly as well) and a very likely early delivery as soon as the risks of having them out become less than the risk of having them in. I reach viability tomorrow when I hit 24 weeks, which means that the babies could survive outside the womb with significant medical assistance, but of course, we want to keep them in there longer because 24 weeks is still super scary early to deliver and there is only a 50% survival rate). They gave me steroid shots to give the babies lung development a little boost in the event that we do have to deliver in the next 2 weeks.

If the TTTS does progress, though, I will likely need to fly out to get surgery early next week because the surgery cut-off is around 25-26 weeks. The surgery has a really great success rate (85% survival for one twin, 70% survival for both), but of course, intrauterine laser surgery is not without significant risk. This will also most likely lead to an earlier delivery (34-36 weeks) and a really complicated insurance mess. My Dr. is saying he will send us to California for the surgery, but it looks like there is a practice that can perform the surgery in Salt Lake at St. Marks Hospital, so I am going to talk to him about going there instead so we will have a place to stay and a good support group to take care of us.

So, tonight, I worry and I am sure I will worry tomorrow and Thursday too until I go in on Friday morning to see how things are progressing and find out what course of action we will be taking. This is certainly turning out to be a challenging season of our lives, but I know that there is a reason we are being asked to endure it and I have faith that we are being watched over and that the Lord is mindful of us. I am thankful every day that my partner on this journey is Seth...he is amazing in every way and not only picks up all the slack and makes me feel like I am doing a great job, but does it cheerfully and is the greatest father to our children through it all. I think that actually raising our twins may seem easy after the craziness of this pregnancy...here's hoping anyway!

And then it all came together...

This is the story of how everything worked out with our housing situation.

To understand the whole scope of the story, I think it helps to understand how we got where we are, but it is kind of long, so feel free to skip down to the part about where we find a house if you want. :) Back in August when we were looking for a rental home here in Tucson, we thought we knew what we wanted. We wanted something with between 2400 and 3000 sq ft, 4+ bedrooms, a fenced pool and grass in the backyard. We knew the school we wanted the kids to attend and the boundaries of that school covered 2 different wards, so I had contacted both wards in advance to see if they had any insider tips about places for rent and found that both were great wards with a lot of young kids.

When I came out to look at houses, I looked at house after house after house and nothing really seemed to be a perfect fit. It was as if every house we looked at had some major flaw. Case in point, the first house we looked at (which is the house we ended up renting) didn't have a fenced pool, was a little smaller than we were looking for and was dotted with bubble glass throughout the house. When I got home from my trip, I was thinking of going with a house that would have been a pretty good fit for us, but was a little higher priced, and the more I got into the application process the more I determined that that leasing company was a nightmare to work with and just felt uneasy about the whole thing, so we decided not to apply for that home. In fact, we decided not to apply for any of the homes I looked at because we just didn't feel that "this is where you are supposed to be" feeling with any of them, like we had with our home in Lake Oswego. After making this decision, the agent that had showed me the first house called to follow up. I told her it was a no go and hung up. Seth and I got to talking about it though, and determined that the location was so great (it was the shortest commute option for Seth) and the price was so low, that maybe despite the other downsides, we could make it work...if we could get them to install a pool fence. Fast forward a whole bunch of phone calls, and we worked out a pool fence deal and had a great feeling about moving forward with the house. Everything just fell into place.

When we arrived in Tucson, we were pleasantly surprised to find that the home wasn't as weird inside as I had remembered and the rooms were also bigger than I remembered and the one level floor plan was just fantastic! Not to mention that the yard was perfect for our needs, the pool was so fun, the mountain and sunset views were so stunning, the bus stop across the street was so convenient and the park across the street was just the icing on the cake! We found our ward to be so friendly and wonderful and started to get involved right away. Then some young families moved into our neighborhood and onto our street and the kids were in heaven. It just seemed like everything had fallen into place and we thought...we can totally just stick around here with this super cheap rent for a few years. Then when we found out twins were headed our way, I freaked out about how in the world we would fit them in this house when already we were feeling a little cramped. But I sketched out some room plans and figured out where we would put all the beds and after talking through it, again we felt like we could make it work and decided that we would just stay put. All the while I continued watching the rental market and receiving notifications when new homes that matched our criteria went on the market, and there wasn't anything through this whole time that better met our needs than where we were.

So after all of that, finding out that we would need to move was hard. Not just because moving is hard, or because we are expecting twins, or because there was nothing on the market, but because getting to where we were was a rocky road and we finally felt at peace with sticking around there for a while.

Bringing us up to now. After looking at every single house than even kind of matched our criteria and having multiple leasing companies not return my calls (weird and annoying), I was wondering if we were ever going to find something. My mom and John wanted to come the week of our move to help and kept trying to figure out when to book, and finally they just decided to book the last week of March whether that was the move or not because I just felt like it might be a while before we found something that would work. Every time Seth and I sat down and reviewed the options, we ended the conversation feeling like none of the options before us were the right option, and that we would just have to be patient and keep looking. So, when our neighbor brought his daughter and her husband over to meet Seth the other night (I was at scouts) and told him about their home that they wanted to rent, I didn't get my hopes up. Sure on paper it sounded perfect: 3200 sq ft, 5 bedrooms, a large playroom on the main level, 3 car garage, walking distance from school and the ward building, grass, a pool and a hot tub in the backyard, sunset views, fruit trees, lots of storage space and a quiet dead end street in a kid friendly neighborhood; but there were a couple of downsides: we would have to switch wards, and the house is too close to the school to offer bus service. The more Seth told me about it though, the more I got the feeling that this was going to be the house. 

The next morning, my neighbor told me how his daughter felt like meeting us was an answer to her prayers. He explained that they had been searching for a house with horse property for months and months and finally put in a low ball offer on a home and it had been accepted that day. In fact, that is why they were at his house, to tell him the big news and about their new stress of finding someone to rent the home, when he mentioned us and brought them over to meet Seth. Then I got a message from a friend in our ward telling me she had heard we were considering renting from this family and how wonderful they are and how great they would be to work with. All day, I just had this feeling that this was going to work out, but I tried not to get excited because I hadn't even seen the house yet. That afternoon I got a call from the family and they invited us over to come and see the home that evening. We walked in and even though the walls were pink (and purple and red and blue and yellow...the late 80s versions of all of them) and the light fixtures were outdated and brass and the kitchen countertops were pink laminate, I surprisingly didn't get hung up on it because I knew this was the house. I finally had that feeling of "this is the place" like I felt in Lake Oswego that I had been waiting for. Better yet, because of their closing date on their new house, the house would be ready for us the last week in March...right when my mom and John would be in town...and right before I hit 30 weeks which was my mental "moving deadline".

After the kids had a grand old time playing on the swingset in the backyard (which sadly won't be staying), eating homebaked cookies, and making themselves right at home while we discussed details, we went home to discuss. Seth and I agreed that the whole house would have to be painted before we could move in our stuff, but the thought of it was so overwhelming. I obviously wasn't going to be up on a ladder painting the 2 story walls in the entry way at 30 weeks pregnant, and 3200 sq ft is more than Seth could handle painting on his own (amidst working full time, moving, and taking care of a 30 week pregnant wife and 4 kids). And after hearing how much more the electrical bill would be in that house vs. our house, we felt like a little bit lower rent than what we had discussed with them would be more managable...yet, it still felt like it was going to work out. At 4 am, though, I was wide awake tossing and turning wondering if we would offend them by asking if they would take a little less in monthly rent since it was already pretty low compared to what we have seen and worrying about how to possibly get the house painted to where we could move in without it being super stressful. I had tried to distract myself by picking out paint colors and mapping out where furniture would go and at 6 am as I was scrolling through DIY countertop refinishing projects on my iPhone pinterest app, I got a text message. "We have decided to hire someone to paint the house neutral colors and install neutral countertops so it will be easier for you to add accent colors if you want. Let me know what you think." What an answer to my prayers! I was completely humbled and so grateful. 

We debated about asking for a lower rent before Seth left for work, but we determined that this was going to be the house for us either way. Seth suggested we ask so we didn't regret not asking, so when she called later that evening to see what we were thinking, I asked. She agreed to the lower rent without hesitation and I couldn't help but be completely overcome with the thought that Heavenly Father had worked it all out again! As I thought back on everything that had happened since we moved from Portland, I could see that all of it was leading us here. I wonder if getting to know people in both wards was a part of the plan for us. I wonder if He just knew that kids being able to ride the bus would be essential during the first trimester + of this pregnancy. I am pretty sure I wouldn't have agreed to another house with more than 3000 sq ft before I found out we were having twins and coming from our Lake Oswego house, I was very hesitant about stairs, so I wonder if we just needed to be groomed into the mindset that this would be the right house for us. I am so grateful that our lives are guided by a loving Heavenly Father who can see the whole picture. I never doubted that it would all work out, but I wish I could have worried less about the how it was going to work out element. I am so happy that we could be an answer to someone else's prayers just as they are an answer to ours.

So there you go! We sign a lease next week and we move the last week of March! Hooray for things coming together! Now to pack...

Perspective

We have been sick for what feels like forever. After finding out that we would be moving and still mid-freak-out for me, Ellie came down with a nasty virus. We had her tested for the flu so we could catch it early and give her tamaflu, but it was negative, and her lungs were mostly clear so we ruled out RSV, but for a little baby girl with reactive airway (asthma), anything involving a croupy sounding cough is scary and horrible. For 6 days she had a fever accompanied by a horrible croupy cough and some nasty congestion. Her days consisted of breathing treatments, sleeping and cuddling on mom's lap with an occasional couple bites of food here and there. She was so miserable. When the fever finally lifted, she was left with just the horrible cough and runny nose for another couple of days and now finally...2 weeks later...she is back to her normal cheerful self.

A few days after she started getting sick, Seth and I started getting the achy fever...and then the cough and congestion...and then his turned into a sinus infection and I lost my voice (which was particularly helpful since I was scheduled to sing in church). Morgan and Chloe each had a bad day or two where they were just feeling a little icky and had a cough, but nothing serious, and then Brynn came down with the cough and fever right as Ellie's fever was lifting, so it was back to breathing treatments, cuddles, and lots of movies and resting.

Finally, we are all on the mend. I am still talking a little bit like a man, and Brynn's cough will take awhile to go away completely (thank you asthma), but I feel like we can get out of the house without spreading our germs far and wide and infecting everyone we know.

The funny thing about all of this is that I was freaking out about twins and getting ready for them, when I found out we would have to move and all of a sudden, I had a new perspective on all those silly worries that were causing me so much stress. Who has time to worry about how you are going to tell the babies apart (blankets/color coded wardrobes?) or which type of stroller is the best when you have things like packing and finding a house to worry about? And then there I was completely freaking out about finding a house and packing up our life (again) and getting sick seemed like the worst possible thing that could pile onto my plate at that point, but really, it gave me a dose of perspective too. When you are worried about whether your little one will be able to breathe through the night without a trip to the ER for some oxygen and how to prevent her from getting dehydrated, you just don't have time to stress about where to get boxes or what to pack first. It was as much as I could do to just wake up in the morning, make sure everyone who wanted to eat food got something, get kids out the door to school and put in a new movie for the kids each time one ended. We ate a lot of soup from a can and we all slept a lot, but you know what, we survived it! I was forced to focus on just the basics of survival and let the rest of it go, and I am happy to report that it has really helped me to realize that whether we find a house today or in a month, we are going to be fine. Sure, I am still wanting to find a place sooner than later, and of course I am stressed that there is nothing out there that will work for us as of yet, but I know that the right thing is going to come along. I am being a little bit picky because I really want this move to stick for at LEAST 2 years, but also because I just haven't gotten that feeling of, "this is where we are supposed to be" yet. I know it is going to come along and every day, I pray that it will come along soon.

Today, the realtor had someone come and take pictures so they can get the house listed early next week. It was stressful trying to get everything ready and looking good and reminded me that, yes, this is going to be a huge pain, but I have to say, sitting here in a spotlessly clean house is quite lovely, so maybe the efforts to keep it clean will benefit our family as well. :) I am ever grateful for the little things that bring me a bit more perspective so I can stay focused on what is truly important and just be patient enough to let the rest of it fall into place in time. I do wish I could learn this lesson well enough already that it wouldn't take so many reminders to get me back on track. :) Either way, grateful to be in a place where I can see so clearly what a blessed life we lead.

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On an entirely separate note, today marks 21 weeks! I cannot believe it! Since I will likely deliver around 36-37 weeks, that means only about 15 weeks left until we get to meet these little fellas! They have both been very healthy and active at all of my appointments and both are growing well. Baby A loves to kick Baby B (rude!) and Baby B is pretty chill about it. He often turns his head away from us, so he doesn't have to get kicked in the face though. Baby A has a swimming pool and Baby B has a hot tub which means we are not quite out of the woods yet as far as TTTS goes, but my MFM thinks that since they are both growing well, we are still fine and the risk decreases significantly in a few more weeks. At 19 weeks I had only gained about 6 lbs., which I am certain is my lowest weight gain for a pregnancy thus far, but I am sure that will change now that I want to eat everything in sight! My appointment was cancelled this week since my OB was sick, so this is the first week I haven't gotten to see the babies on an Ultrasound for a while, but I have a growth ultrasound next Tuesday and an echocardiogram for the babies on Thursday, so it will be a double whammy next week.

Pregnancy wise, it is hard to tell exactly how I am feeling because I have been fighting this virus for so long, but I seem to have quite a bit more energy now that I am on the mend, and my appetite is back in full force because I am starving 24/7! May have something to do with supporting 3 growing bodies. Because of this increased energy, I have been able to go out on walks with the kids, and take on Costco shopping by myself, but inevitably I pay for it later in the day when my energy runs out and I can't move. The heartburn with this pregnancy is worse than anything I have experienced in my other pregnancies/entire life (a common theme with this pregnancy it seems) and without zantac, I can't sleep, drink or eat anything. Weird pregnancy dreams are in full swing and my belly is definitely getting in the way of my comfort. In the morning I feel about the same as I have around 20 weeks with my other kids, but by 8 pm, I feel like I am past 35 weeks and it isn't pretty. My belly is not poking way out because it is pretty well spread out top to bottom and side to side, but it is distinctly a pregnant belly. You can see a picture from a few days ago on instagram here. My legs and hips seem to be toting most of the bulk at this point, which historically means a much longer bounceback afterward, darn it! I am feeling lots of kicks and movements, but not all the time, not in a painful way (yet) and definitely not able to distinguish between them.

My biggest fears at this point are ending up having to get a c-section because I just really don't want to have to go through the recovery with 2 infants and 4 older kids, and getting placed on bedrest before we are able to find a house and move. I am hopeful that neither will be an issue and that we will be able to take on the rest of it as it comes. I am feeling confident that we will be able to get them on a schedule quickly, that I will be able to nurse them easily, and that things are going to be easier (albeit much more chaotic) when they get here. I am certainly not planning on it being easy, but I think it will be manageable. The kids are already in love with the babies and kiss my belly goodbye before they get on the bus in the morning. It is so sweet to hear them pray for "the babies in Mom's tummy" each morning and night and I always have to smile when I find Brynn's drawings of a person with two little people inside of it. The first time she pointed out that it was me and the 2 babies in my tummy and it has now become such a common art subject for her, that I recognize it immediately. Yes, we are all excited to welcome these two little boys to our family and to love them like crazy!

feeling unsettled

This morning I am feeling a little bummed, so I have to apologize in advance for the following complaint post. Monday afternoon, I got a call from our leasing agent letting us know that our landlord had decided to sell the home we are living in. She went over what the law requires as far as us making the home available for showings and apologized that this change in plan happened after such a short time leasing the property (3 1/2 months to be exact). I informed her that we are expecting twins and that we were sad because we had planned to stay here for another 2 years, but also went over my concerns with showing the house under the current circumstances. I was calm and reasonable and she was going to talk with the owner and discuss possibly extending the lease or the option of letting us out of our lease so that we wouldn't be responsible for showing the home.

Then, my brain started going 500 miles a minute. The more I thought about it, the madder I got. It is no small feat to move a family of 6 + a dog. Sure it will be a local move, but it is still a big job and a lot of work. Plus, moving is expensive...not just the cost of the movers/moving truck, but there are deposits and fees, cleaning costs, packing supplies, utility start up charges...having done this 3 times in less than a year and a half, I am acutely aware of the expense of moving and it is not cheap. Then there is the money that we have put into this house to make it work for us: the fence we installed around the pool, the pool cover, the plants and furniture we have had to purchase to make the home work for our needs...again, a rather expensive endeavor. Not to mention I am pregnant with twins and taking a shower, feeding the kids and having a plan for dinner is a very good day at this point. I am healthy, the babies are doing great, and there are no complications, yet I am exhausted 24/7, I have heartburn 24/7, I haven't been able to sleep very well, the aches and pains I am experiencing are similar to what I normally feel during the last month of my pregnancies, and to top it off I spend a few hours every week at the doctors office for check ups and ultrasounds. So, with all of that in mind and the thought that at any point it could get worse and I could be on bedrest...showing the house didn't seem like a good option. I have done the showing a house with kids + dog thing and it is miserable. In fact avoiding having to show a house is probably the primary reason we have chosen to rent while we are here instead of buying a home again, because I pretty much never want to deal with that again. In fact I was so stressed about it that I started having painful contractions and had to leave the dinner table and go lie down for the rest of the evening.

The next morning (Tuesday) by 10:30, I was driving myself insane with the stress of not knowing what was going to happen, so I called the leasing agent to check in. The owner definitely wants to sell right now, but was willing to let us out of our lease and even offered to make right with the pool fence we installed. The dates are still up in the air, but it sounded like they would be pretty flexible in accommodating our needs. After hanging up the phone, I felt much better about the whole situation. There is just something about not-knowing that is so unsettling and even when you know that the path is going to be a hard one...it feels better to know which path it is. Of course, that doesn't mean that all my stress was gone, in fact far from it. Now knowing that we were going to be moving, the professional mover in me started knocking tasks off the list. I pulled up craigslist and the realtor.com app to look for rentals, called on a few of them, made an appointment to see one, figured out how to make room in our budget for another deposit and another set of move in fees, started thinking about where to get boxes, made a mental list of what I could start packing immediately and what we could avoid packing and leave in drawers and bins since this would be a local move, talked to some friends about rentals they knew about and even drove around to look at some areas.

Which brings me to today. There is a total of 1 house that fits within our space requirements, pool requirement (and yes, we feel like that is a reasonable requirement. Remember how I am having twins and we live in Arizona and it will be hot and my kids will not be able to go anywhere this summer because I will be busy feeding and changing babies...the poor little darlings need something fun to do), the geographical requirements for school and work, and our budget (which we have been pretty generous with in our search). ONE house. I am looking at it tomorrow, but there is a chance it could already be leased by then. I am so discouraged and don't know whether it makes sense to move forward with the house if it is still available and we can make it work even though it is quite a bit more a month than we pay now, and in a different ward, and too close to the school to have a bus route, but too far to be a really quick walk for a giant pregnant lady) or if we should wait for something better. The market for rentals here is slim pickings, so there just isn't a whole lot of new stuff opening up and we are kind of on a deadline so we can settle in before the babies come.

I go back and forth between bursting into tears because I feel so overwhelmed and going 500 miles a minute checking tasks off my list. I have moments when I try to see the good in the situation and get a little excited about a bigger house, closer to the school with no bubble glass and more windows and moments when I can't possibly believe this is happening right now. Even in the bad moments, I remind myself that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and for our family. Even though I can't see why right now, I am certain that there is somewhere He needs us to be, and I am trying to have faith that we will find it and maybe be able to stick around for a while. I am heartbroken at the thought of moving our kids again...to a new neighborhood and new friends and a new bus (or maybe no bus at all, which would devastate them), and possibly even a new ward. We will definitely keep them in the same school, because I just can't bear the thought of making them switch schools. This school transition was harder than the last, and it would be horrible to make them go through it again. We will miss our little cul de sac, the neighbor friends who always want to play and our park across the street. They are being champs about it, though...not a single complaint from them when we broke the news...though there were a few requests that we just move back to Utah. :) Oh how I wish my little babies. I crave that feeling of being settled somewhere and knowing that we will be there for more than one of any given season. Of having friends whose babies have grown up with mine so much so that I feel like they are my own. Of having a home that I feel excited to decorate and improve because I know I will be there to enjoy it for at least a few years. Of not having to use a separate page to write down our housing history for the past 5 years. Yes, I crave the consistency of being settled. Yet here we are once again, looking out at the great unknown and wondering where the next few months will take us and praying for the best.