I wanted to give it a little bit of time before posting about our new normal and how it is to have 6 kids 8 and under because I thought maybe the first few days were just a fluke or maybe having Seth home from work last week was really skewing my view of our new normal. But, it has been a week and a half...and even a few days of just me and the kids on our own, and as it turns out, our new normal is pretty darn awesome!
I am certain that our 12 day NICU stay was the very worst 12 days of my life...ever, and with the perspective that I am so grateful to not be there anymore, being home from the hospital with these little guys has been absolutely divine. No, I don't get a whole lot of sleep and yes there are 3 bums that need changing on a constant basis throughout the day, loads of laundry to be done, kitchen counters to clean and dinners to make. Four people are depending on me to not nap when the babies nap as everyone keeps suggesting, but take care of them, help them resolve their conflicts, brainstorm fun things they can do to keep busy, take them swimming, feed them, remind them to brush their teeth and hair, and even just snuggle with them when they are having a hard minute/hour/day. I am still stumped about how I will every go grocery shopping this summer, errands are confined to places that have drive thrus, and I NEED a Dr. Pepper (and usually some skittles) at least once a day to make it through.
But, oh how I missed doing those things. Yes, I even missed grocery shopping, cooking meals for my family and doing my own laundry. And sure, I still get frustrated with the kids when they ignore me asking them to pick up their toys for the 5 millionth time today, but what a blessing to be here with them all day every day. To know the things that made them happy and sad. To be the one who they came to for love and understanding. To hug them and kiss their little foreheads any time I feel like it. To be the first to hear their newest favorite phrase/joke/song. To smell that sweet newborn baby smell every 3 hours when I "have to" feed the babies. To see their teeny tiny fingers wrap tightly around mine and the skin get all wrinkled up around their knees because their legs are so skinny. To hear the quiet voices of my big kids as they talk to their little baby brothers and see the way they are drawn like magnets to wherever the babies are. To greet my husband when he walks in the door from work and kiss him goodnight in the comfort of our own room and our own bed. What a blessing it is to do the normal stuff!
We have ventured out of the house a few times already and every time, I end up tired but feeling accomplished. "This is manageable," I tell Seth nearly every night..."a lot of work, but manageable." I hear, "You've got your hands full," and "Are they all yours?" A LOT. Sidenote: asking someone running errands if all the kids with them are theirs is kind of dumb...who takes someone else's kids out to run errands ever, much less when they have newborn twins? We implement the buddy system and Morgan and Chloe have gotten to be very good helpers. Despite what I think is complete and utter chaos, we often get complimented on how good our kids are, which is definitely a mom-ego boost.
I think the hardest part of all of this is feeling like everyone thinks we are so "fragile". We have been so blessed with SO MUCH help from friends and neighbors and family, and we have appreciated (and continue to appreciate) all of it! And, while I will continue to accept and ask for help as we need it, it feels so good to be able to be somewhat independent again. I am consciously trying not to overdo it (despite my overachiever tendencies), and I know my limits, but we are so excited to have neighbor friends over for playdates and to have the missionaries over for dinner and to host BBQs and playgroups at our house. But I wonder if anyone will ever take us up on those things again or if they will always think they can't ask because we already have our hands full. So I am making this official statement - our hands may be full, but there is always room for spending time with family and friends and giving service because that is what we love! We will always choose having someone over for dinner over having someone bring us dinner because the former is so much more fulfilling for us. Our house is open to visitors from here on out, so feel free to plan a trip! It is hot here in Arizona, but our house is kind of like a vacation home with a private pool, no daily charge and early morning wake up calls via children at your bedside. :) Normal is a wonderful thing!
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
Home Sweet Home!
After spending the day on light therapy yesterday, Ryder's bili dropped more than 4 points. Being off the phototherapy for 6 hours, it dropped again, and they gave us the go ahead to take our little ones home!! Seth and Brynn had come to the hospital to bring me lunch and be there for the news of the blood work, and we all cheered when we got the news! Such a blessing!
We loaded up all of our stuff...amazing how much you accumulate over a 12 day hospital stay...and headed down to the car. Each of the people we saw on our way out who had cared for our babies literally clapped and cheered that we finally got to go home. We were truly blessed to have so many kind and caring nurses and doctors looking out for us and caring for our babies and trying so hard to get us home as quickly as possible.
The kids were so excited to see their two baby brothers come through the door and have spent a good part of the day holding, cuddling and just watching their baby brothers. Chloe and Morgan and Brynn are old pros at holding the babies and being gentle with them and I am amazed at how gentle and sweet Ellie is with them. She loves to hold them, hates when you take them away, and gently touches them and kisses them. There is really nothing that compares to having your family all together under one roof and knowing that you are whole and complete!
We loaded up all of our stuff...amazing how much you accumulate over a 12 day hospital stay...and headed down to the car. Each of the people we saw on our way out who had cared for our babies literally clapped and cheered that we finally got to go home. We were truly blessed to have so many kind and caring nurses and doctors looking out for us and caring for our babies and trying so hard to get us home as quickly as possible.
The kids were so excited to see their two baby brothers come through the door and have spent a good part of the day holding, cuddling and just watching their baby brothers. Chloe and Morgan and Brynn are old pros at holding the babies and being gentle with them and I am amazed at how gentle and sweet Ellie is with them. She loves to hold them, hates when you take them away, and gently touches them and kisses them. There is really nothing that compares to having your family all together under one roof and knowing that you are whole and complete!
Sunday, May 26, 2013
We have Babies!
Since I wrote during labor last week it has been quite the rollercoaster for our family. And now that I finally have a minute to sit down and write there is so much to tell that I don't know where to start, so I guess I'll just start from where the last post left off. I haven't had time to deal with replacing my hard drive, so I can't post pictures, but I have been trying to capture most of this experience on my iphone and have been diligently posting to instagram (http://instagram.com/jenniferbelly), so you can check out my feed there if you want some visuals. :)
LABOR and DELIVERY
After I wrote last, they gave me my epidural and broke my water. Things continued to move along well, but my epidural didn't work...AT ALL. They kept poking me and touching me with ice to see if I was numb, and when I wasn't they tried to top off the epidural two different times...still nothing. Now during a typical labor, an epidural is a matter of comfort and pain management, but when you are laboring with twins, the risk of needing to have an emergency c-section is very high, so if you don't have a working epidural, you run the risk of having to be put completely under if anything goes wrong. So, with this in mind, and with my labor progressing pretty quickly, they finally decided to take out the epidural and try again.
So round 2 of the epidural, this time while experiencing some fairly painful contractions, and it seemed to be starting to work on one side. Sadly, it never spread past the outside half of my right leg, so when the contractions started coming stronger and closer and I was dialated to a 7, they again tried to top off the epidural and again...nothing. They decided to turn off my pitocin because the surgery staff and anesthesiologist were going to need to go into another procedure and sure enough, as soon as they turned off the pitocin, I needed to push.
So off we rolled to the operating room and I delivered Baby B first (now becoming Baby A) at 5:55 pm. He was face up and delivering him with no pain relief was certainly not a pleasant experience. If these babies hadn't been our last, they would have been after that. Little did I know, the worst was yet to come as Baby A (now becoming Baby B) flipped breech and had to be delivered by breech extraction (basically the Dr. reaches in and pulls the baby out by the legs) - again, not a very pleasant experience. I am grateful my other deliveries involved working epidurals and that our little guys were, indeed, little. I got to see the first baby for about a minute and they brought me the second baby, but shortly after they snapped a picture of Seth and I with both babies, baby #2 started turning blue, and both babies were whisked away to the NICU. Seth went with the babies (and my phone) and I was left to tell the doctors that they better not start giving me those stitches without numbing me as they were literally inches from starting. I am fairly certain they did not believe me that my epidural did not work. After a very long hour post-delivery and nurses changing shifts, Seth finally came back to update me and when the night nurse finally came in, I was able to go over to the NICU to see our babies.
NICU BABIES
Though I could walk, the NICU is in the attached children's hospital about 1/4 mile walk from my Labor and Delivery room, so Seth wheeled me over to the NICU room, and there they were...my sweet little boys on C-Paps to help them breathe, and making this little whine/cry sound in unison (a sound signifying that they are struggling to breathe). We didn't get to hold them, but got to stroke their sweet little fuzzy backs and try to decide on names for them. The kids had pretty much determined that they would be Lincoln and Ryder, and we thought Lincoln was pretty fitting for Baby #1, but with his little mask and frail little body, we just weren't sure that Ryder was a fitting name for Baby #2, so they both remained unnamed for the first day or so.
I'll never forget standing there at the sides of their little isolettes with tears falling down my cheeks feeling completely helpless and heartbroken that they had to be in there, hooked up to all the monitors and cords. I just wanted to scoop up my little babies and cuddle them and feed them and stare into their little faces while I relaxed in my hospital room like I had with all of my other kids. Eventually we headed back to my room to discuss names and one of the pediatricians came to give us the update on the babies and what they would be doing for them. We were told that Baby #1 would most likely be intubated and get serfactin and Baby #2 possibly would as well...something we were hoping to avoid. After we prayed for our little boys, Seth headed home for the night. Right after he left, I got a call from the NICU Dr. letting me know that their test results actually were better than they thought and that they wouldn't need to intubate either of the boys.
Thursday morning I went to see the babies first thing and was pleasantly surprised to find that neither of them were making the whine/cry sound anymore and they would both be weaning from the cpap over the course of the day. I wasn't able to hold them until later in the day, which was so hard as a new mommy. That afternoon, Baby #1 was moved from Cpap to a nasal canula, and Baby #2 was completely off of breathing help and breathing room air. The kids got to come and see the babies and hold Baby #2. My mom took the kids home to bed and Seth stayed at the hospital with me and the babies to decide on names (and snuggle the babies, of course).
Baby #1 (formerly Baby B) | Lincoln Seth Tate | 5 lbs 10 oz. | 18.5 inches long | Born 5/15 at 5:55 pm
Baby #2 (formerly Baby A) | Ryder Seth Tate | 5 lbs 3 oz. | 18.9 inches long | Born 5/15 at 5:59 pm
Friday morning both boys were under bili lights because they found that they have a different blood type than I do and the antibodies my body made to get rid of that blood from my body, transfers to them and attacks their blood cells causing the same reaction as jaundice. Because of this we couldn't hold either baby all day.
MY HOSPITAL STAY
I have always kind of enjoyed my hospital stay after having babies. It is a nice quiet short break from my everyday life where I get to snuggle with a newborn, have someone bring me food for every meal, and watch babies while I sleep all while recovering from delivery with pain meds and ice packs to prevent pain before it started. This hospital stay was none of that. I had to walk back and forth between the NICU and my post partum room many times a day. I always let my nurses know when I was going and when I got back to make it easier for them to do my care when I was there, but they were rarely around to check in on me and never brought me my pain meds on schedule. I had to pump milk to take to the babies since they weren't able to nurse yet. I had to share a bathroom with some other person who happened to decide to take a shower every single time I had an available minute to shower in between pumping, trips to the NICU, and trying to sleep. Also sharing a bathroom with a random woman who has just given birth seems unsanitary and is kind of gross, not to mention that every time she went in the bathroom, she had to lock the bathroom door from my room which was super loud. And the most frustrating part of my stay was that I requested an order for a breast pump (which my insurance would purchase for me) from every single nurse and Dr. I saw and none of them followed through on actually submitting the order to my insurance company until my discharge nurse came in and found me in tears on the phone with my insurance company trying to figure out how to make it happen on Friday afternoon when they were getting ready to discharge me. If I were having any more children I can tell you where I would not be delivering them...
FEELING TORN
Since the babies were getting their feedings through an ng tube, I went home and slept in my own bed Friday night. It was so wonderful to wake up to hugs from the kids on Saturday morning. After their initial excitement that Mom was home, Morgan's first question was, "Where are the babies?" He was pretty disappointed when I told him they had to stay in the hospital. "You didn't even get to bring one of them home?" he asked. It was pretty sweet. We headed down to Einsteins for breakfast with Grandma Becky and since we were more than halfway to the hospital, we decided to take the kids to see the babies again, even though they wouldn't get to hold them since they were under the bili lights. They were a little over-excited and it was a pretty short lived visit before Grandma took them back home.
Seth and I stayed for the day and then went home for dinner. During dinner, though, I got insanely sick...achey all over, unable to sit up, shooting pains and tingling in my back and legs and swelling like crazy in my hands and feet and legs. Despite my wishes to spend time with the big kids, it was all I could do to read them stories and then go up to my bed and fall asleep. I woke up Sunday morning feeling a little better, but still quite horrible. We think that it was the epidural medicine redistributing throughout my body and causing a reaction since it had obviously not gone where it should have when they injected it (after the 2nd epidural was placed, I found out that the anesthesiologist who placed it both times was actually a resident...I wasn't very happy about that). Feeling yucky, I didn't take the time to get ready, but headed in to the hospital with my Mom to deliver milk and spend some time with the babies.
We were so surprised to see that they were off the bili lights when we got there, and even more surprised that I had the okay to start nursing Ryder. He was a nursing champ, and they decided to get me a room so I could stay and nurse him round the clock. The room was tiny...just a very small bed and a chair and a small tv and a phone on a nightstand...there wasn't even an outlet where I could plug in my phone to charge. But, it served its purpose as a place to sleep and I spent most of my time in the babies' NICU room anyway. And, while it was nice to have a place to stay and sleep and be able to nurse Ryder around the clock, it has been the most difficult part of the NICU stay.
Each moment I feel torn between being a good mom to my newborn baby(ies) or being a good mom to my big kids. Each time I think about what I am missing out on at home...the last week of school, the good morning snuggles, falling asleep next to my amazing husband and kissing him goodbye in the morning, the family dinners, swimming in the afternoon, bedtime stories, hairdos and outfits to pick out...I just get teary because I so wanted to be there for all of that. But I am only one person, and I am the only person that can feed my babies, and while this has been the hardest time of my life being away from my cute family, we knew that by staying at the hospital with the babies around the clock they would be able to come home sooner and be better off in the long run.
THE NICU ROLLERCOASTER
I had no idea when we delivered the babies and they needed help breathing how hard this NICU stay would be. It has been filled with ups and downs and a lot of tears and frustration and hopefulness. I know that Heavenly Father has been watching over us through it all and that he has been mindful of my prayers, and I know we are blessed to only be here for a short time and to know that it is just a matter of how long we are here...not whether the babies will survive, but that hasn't made it easier.
On Monday, Lincoln switched from high flow oxygen to low flow oxgen and was able to start nursing. On Tuesday, they moved me to a bigger room with my own bathroom and shower and a bed that could sleep 2 and Ryder got to "room in" with me...kind of like playing house in preparation for discharge. I took care of all his needs, but the nurses still checked his stats and did assessments and tests and such. Once he was able to room in, we were just waiting for his bili levels to start going down, so he could be discharged. Also on Tuesday, they put Lincoln on a micro-flow oxygen and slowly weaned it until they took him off oxygen completely on Wednesday morning. It was so amazing to see both of my boys without any tubes stuck to their faces, and I was filled with hope that we coulld have our whole family back together again by the end of the week.
Thursday night, though, I had my least favorite NICU nurse. She was really negative and seemed to make a big deal over every little thing and petitioned to have Lincoln back on his oxygen after he had been off it all day. So, back on oxygen Lincoln went. It was such a heartbreaking setback that caused me lots of tears. Ryder's bili levels were still all over the place...up one day and down the next...and he needed to have some good weight gain, since he had lost weight a couple of the days, but Lincoln going back on oxygen meant that again we would have to wean him from the oxygen and wait to see how he did for at least 24 hours. Luckily, in the morning, the Dr. took him back off the oxygen and he did fantastically after that. They gave me the go ahead to have both boys room in with me with the anticipation that as long as they gained weight Friday and their bili levels didn't increase, we would be discharged in the morning. Unfortunately, Lincoln lost a few grams and Ryder's bili levels jumped up. The drs felt like they could discharge us, except that we wouldn't be able to follow up on the bili levels with our pediatrician until Tuesday because of Memorial Day weekend, so they decided to keep us one more day, just to check the bilis. Both boys gained weight Saturday and we were so hopeful that we would be able to go home this morning, but Ryder's bili went up again and he needed to be back on the lights. Again, our drs said they would be happy to send us home if we could get a bili bed to take with us, but that wouldn't be possible because of the holiday weekend. So Ryder couldn't be discharged. Lincoln, however, was discharged today...though it doesn't really feel like it since he still has to stay at the hospital with me and Ryder. It is nice to know that I could take him outside with me if I wanted though. :)
So here we are on day 11 of our NICU stay, and I am so ready to have our family back together again. All of the drs and nurses want to see us go home tomorrow and are testing Ryder in the morning and again in the afternoon so that hopefully we can be discharged before tomorrow night. If not, they will send us home on Tuesday with a bili bed if he still needs the phototherapy, so the end is in sight.
We would not have survived without my Mom coming to help. Thanks Mom, for getting everyone where they needed to be, feeding, clothing, bathing, loving and entertaining my family while I have been stuck in the hospital. Thanks to the friends and neighbors who have called, stopped by, brought dinners, watched kids, carpooled, and kept us in their prayers. Thanks to my in-laws who came this weekend for watching kids so Seth could come spend time with me in the hospital...I have been missing my hubby like crazy and his visits have been keeping me sane! Thanks to the 4 beautiful children of mine who have been so good about being carted all over the place, driving back and forth the 45 minutes to and from the hospital, having their schedules turned upside down, called me, and brought me notes, and snuggled with me, and have been so excited to see me every opportunity we have had...I am so very blessed to be their Mom. This experience has certainly been a trying one, but more than ever before, I am so grateful for my family. Grateful to be the one that they rely on to run our household and care for them and stick the cupboards with their favorite foods, and get them where they need to go, and love them like crazy. I think when I finally get to be home with them again, I will appreciate the work of motherhood so much more because my heart has been heavy as I haven't been able to do those things.
Finally, anyone out there who read this whole novel of a post, these twin boys are just absolutely a joy. They are so sweet and so darling and so hard to tell apart (yikes!). I promise a post about them with pictures as soon as my new hard drive is installed. I am absolutely smitten with them!
LABOR and DELIVERY
After I wrote last, they gave me my epidural and broke my water. Things continued to move along well, but my epidural didn't work...AT ALL. They kept poking me and touching me with ice to see if I was numb, and when I wasn't they tried to top off the epidural two different times...still nothing. Now during a typical labor, an epidural is a matter of comfort and pain management, but when you are laboring with twins, the risk of needing to have an emergency c-section is very high, so if you don't have a working epidural, you run the risk of having to be put completely under if anything goes wrong. So, with this in mind, and with my labor progressing pretty quickly, they finally decided to take out the epidural and try again.
So round 2 of the epidural, this time while experiencing some fairly painful contractions, and it seemed to be starting to work on one side. Sadly, it never spread past the outside half of my right leg, so when the contractions started coming stronger and closer and I was dialated to a 7, they again tried to top off the epidural and again...nothing. They decided to turn off my pitocin because the surgery staff and anesthesiologist were going to need to go into another procedure and sure enough, as soon as they turned off the pitocin, I needed to push.
So off we rolled to the operating room and I delivered Baby B first (now becoming Baby A) at 5:55 pm. He was face up and delivering him with no pain relief was certainly not a pleasant experience. If these babies hadn't been our last, they would have been after that. Little did I know, the worst was yet to come as Baby A (now becoming Baby B) flipped breech and had to be delivered by breech extraction (basically the Dr. reaches in and pulls the baby out by the legs) - again, not a very pleasant experience. I am grateful my other deliveries involved working epidurals and that our little guys were, indeed, little. I got to see the first baby for about a minute and they brought me the second baby, but shortly after they snapped a picture of Seth and I with both babies, baby #2 started turning blue, and both babies were whisked away to the NICU. Seth went with the babies (and my phone) and I was left to tell the doctors that they better not start giving me those stitches without numbing me as they were literally inches from starting. I am fairly certain they did not believe me that my epidural did not work. After a very long hour post-delivery and nurses changing shifts, Seth finally came back to update me and when the night nurse finally came in, I was able to go over to the NICU to see our babies.
NICU BABIES
Though I could walk, the NICU is in the attached children's hospital about 1/4 mile walk from my Labor and Delivery room, so Seth wheeled me over to the NICU room, and there they were...my sweet little boys on C-Paps to help them breathe, and making this little whine/cry sound in unison (a sound signifying that they are struggling to breathe). We didn't get to hold them, but got to stroke their sweet little fuzzy backs and try to decide on names for them. The kids had pretty much determined that they would be Lincoln and Ryder, and we thought Lincoln was pretty fitting for Baby #1, but with his little mask and frail little body, we just weren't sure that Ryder was a fitting name for Baby #2, so they both remained unnamed for the first day or so.
I'll never forget standing there at the sides of their little isolettes with tears falling down my cheeks feeling completely helpless and heartbroken that they had to be in there, hooked up to all the monitors and cords. I just wanted to scoop up my little babies and cuddle them and feed them and stare into their little faces while I relaxed in my hospital room like I had with all of my other kids. Eventually we headed back to my room to discuss names and one of the pediatricians came to give us the update on the babies and what they would be doing for them. We were told that Baby #1 would most likely be intubated and get serfactin and Baby #2 possibly would as well...something we were hoping to avoid. After we prayed for our little boys, Seth headed home for the night. Right after he left, I got a call from the NICU Dr. letting me know that their test results actually were better than they thought and that they wouldn't need to intubate either of the boys.
Thursday morning I went to see the babies first thing and was pleasantly surprised to find that neither of them were making the whine/cry sound anymore and they would both be weaning from the cpap over the course of the day. I wasn't able to hold them until later in the day, which was so hard as a new mommy. That afternoon, Baby #1 was moved from Cpap to a nasal canula, and Baby #2 was completely off of breathing help and breathing room air. The kids got to come and see the babies and hold Baby #2. My mom took the kids home to bed and Seth stayed at the hospital with me and the babies to decide on names (and snuggle the babies, of course).
Baby #1 (formerly Baby B) | Lincoln Seth Tate | 5 lbs 10 oz. | 18.5 inches long | Born 5/15 at 5:55 pm
Baby #2 (formerly Baby A) | Ryder Seth Tate | 5 lbs 3 oz. | 18.9 inches long | Born 5/15 at 5:59 pm
Friday morning both boys were under bili lights because they found that they have a different blood type than I do and the antibodies my body made to get rid of that blood from my body, transfers to them and attacks their blood cells causing the same reaction as jaundice. Because of this we couldn't hold either baby all day.
MY HOSPITAL STAY
I have always kind of enjoyed my hospital stay after having babies. It is a nice quiet short break from my everyday life where I get to snuggle with a newborn, have someone bring me food for every meal, and watch babies while I sleep all while recovering from delivery with pain meds and ice packs to prevent pain before it started. This hospital stay was none of that. I had to walk back and forth between the NICU and my post partum room many times a day. I always let my nurses know when I was going and when I got back to make it easier for them to do my care when I was there, but they were rarely around to check in on me and never brought me my pain meds on schedule. I had to pump milk to take to the babies since they weren't able to nurse yet. I had to share a bathroom with some other person who happened to decide to take a shower every single time I had an available minute to shower in between pumping, trips to the NICU, and trying to sleep. Also sharing a bathroom with a random woman who has just given birth seems unsanitary and is kind of gross, not to mention that every time she went in the bathroom, she had to lock the bathroom door from my room which was super loud. And the most frustrating part of my stay was that I requested an order for a breast pump (which my insurance would purchase for me) from every single nurse and Dr. I saw and none of them followed through on actually submitting the order to my insurance company until my discharge nurse came in and found me in tears on the phone with my insurance company trying to figure out how to make it happen on Friday afternoon when they were getting ready to discharge me. If I were having any more children I can tell you where I would not be delivering them...
FEELING TORN
Since the babies were getting their feedings through an ng tube, I went home and slept in my own bed Friday night. It was so wonderful to wake up to hugs from the kids on Saturday morning. After their initial excitement that Mom was home, Morgan's first question was, "Where are the babies?" He was pretty disappointed when I told him they had to stay in the hospital. "You didn't even get to bring one of them home?" he asked. It was pretty sweet. We headed down to Einsteins for breakfast with Grandma Becky and since we were more than halfway to the hospital, we decided to take the kids to see the babies again, even though they wouldn't get to hold them since they were under the bili lights. They were a little over-excited and it was a pretty short lived visit before Grandma took them back home.
Seth and I stayed for the day and then went home for dinner. During dinner, though, I got insanely sick...achey all over, unable to sit up, shooting pains and tingling in my back and legs and swelling like crazy in my hands and feet and legs. Despite my wishes to spend time with the big kids, it was all I could do to read them stories and then go up to my bed and fall asleep. I woke up Sunday morning feeling a little better, but still quite horrible. We think that it was the epidural medicine redistributing throughout my body and causing a reaction since it had obviously not gone where it should have when they injected it (after the 2nd epidural was placed, I found out that the anesthesiologist who placed it both times was actually a resident...I wasn't very happy about that). Feeling yucky, I didn't take the time to get ready, but headed in to the hospital with my Mom to deliver milk and spend some time with the babies.
We were so surprised to see that they were off the bili lights when we got there, and even more surprised that I had the okay to start nursing Ryder. He was a nursing champ, and they decided to get me a room so I could stay and nurse him round the clock. The room was tiny...just a very small bed and a chair and a small tv and a phone on a nightstand...there wasn't even an outlet where I could plug in my phone to charge. But, it served its purpose as a place to sleep and I spent most of my time in the babies' NICU room anyway. And, while it was nice to have a place to stay and sleep and be able to nurse Ryder around the clock, it has been the most difficult part of the NICU stay.
Each moment I feel torn between being a good mom to my newborn baby(ies) or being a good mom to my big kids. Each time I think about what I am missing out on at home...the last week of school, the good morning snuggles, falling asleep next to my amazing husband and kissing him goodbye in the morning, the family dinners, swimming in the afternoon, bedtime stories, hairdos and outfits to pick out...I just get teary because I so wanted to be there for all of that. But I am only one person, and I am the only person that can feed my babies, and while this has been the hardest time of my life being away from my cute family, we knew that by staying at the hospital with the babies around the clock they would be able to come home sooner and be better off in the long run.
THE NICU ROLLERCOASTER
I had no idea when we delivered the babies and they needed help breathing how hard this NICU stay would be. It has been filled with ups and downs and a lot of tears and frustration and hopefulness. I know that Heavenly Father has been watching over us through it all and that he has been mindful of my prayers, and I know we are blessed to only be here for a short time and to know that it is just a matter of how long we are here...not whether the babies will survive, but that hasn't made it easier.
On Monday, Lincoln switched from high flow oxygen to low flow oxgen and was able to start nursing. On Tuesday, they moved me to a bigger room with my own bathroom and shower and a bed that could sleep 2 and Ryder got to "room in" with me...kind of like playing house in preparation for discharge. I took care of all his needs, but the nurses still checked his stats and did assessments and tests and such. Once he was able to room in, we were just waiting for his bili levels to start going down, so he could be discharged. Also on Tuesday, they put Lincoln on a micro-flow oxygen and slowly weaned it until they took him off oxygen completely on Wednesday morning. It was so amazing to see both of my boys without any tubes stuck to their faces, and I was filled with hope that we coulld have our whole family back together again by the end of the week.
Thursday night, though, I had my least favorite NICU nurse. She was really negative and seemed to make a big deal over every little thing and petitioned to have Lincoln back on his oxygen after he had been off it all day. So, back on oxygen Lincoln went. It was such a heartbreaking setback that caused me lots of tears. Ryder's bili levels were still all over the place...up one day and down the next...and he needed to have some good weight gain, since he had lost weight a couple of the days, but Lincoln going back on oxygen meant that again we would have to wean him from the oxygen and wait to see how he did for at least 24 hours. Luckily, in the morning, the Dr. took him back off the oxygen and he did fantastically after that. They gave me the go ahead to have both boys room in with me with the anticipation that as long as they gained weight Friday and their bili levels didn't increase, we would be discharged in the morning. Unfortunately, Lincoln lost a few grams and Ryder's bili levels jumped up. The drs felt like they could discharge us, except that we wouldn't be able to follow up on the bili levels with our pediatrician until Tuesday because of Memorial Day weekend, so they decided to keep us one more day, just to check the bilis. Both boys gained weight Saturday and we were so hopeful that we would be able to go home this morning, but Ryder's bili went up again and he needed to be back on the lights. Again, our drs said they would be happy to send us home if we could get a bili bed to take with us, but that wouldn't be possible because of the holiday weekend. So Ryder couldn't be discharged. Lincoln, however, was discharged today...though it doesn't really feel like it since he still has to stay at the hospital with me and Ryder. It is nice to know that I could take him outside with me if I wanted though. :)
So here we are on day 11 of our NICU stay, and I am so ready to have our family back together again. All of the drs and nurses want to see us go home tomorrow and are testing Ryder in the morning and again in the afternoon so that hopefully we can be discharged before tomorrow night. If not, they will send us home on Tuesday with a bili bed if he still needs the phototherapy, so the end is in sight.
We would not have survived without my Mom coming to help. Thanks Mom, for getting everyone where they needed to be, feeding, clothing, bathing, loving and entertaining my family while I have been stuck in the hospital. Thanks to the friends and neighbors who have called, stopped by, brought dinners, watched kids, carpooled, and kept us in their prayers. Thanks to my in-laws who came this weekend for watching kids so Seth could come spend time with me in the hospital...I have been missing my hubby like crazy and his visits have been keeping me sane! Thanks to the 4 beautiful children of mine who have been so good about being carted all over the place, driving back and forth the 45 minutes to and from the hospital, having their schedules turned upside down, called me, and brought me notes, and snuggled with me, and have been so excited to see me every opportunity we have had...I am so very blessed to be their Mom. This experience has certainly been a trying one, but more than ever before, I am so grateful for my family. Grateful to be the one that they rely on to run our household and care for them and stick the cupboards with their favorite foods, and get them where they need to go, and love them like crazy. I think when I finally get to be home with them again, I will appreciate the work of motherhood so much more because my heart has been heavy as I haven't been able to do those things.
Finally, anyone out there who read this whole novel of a post, these twin boys are just absolutely a joy. They are so sweet and so darling and so hard to tell apart (yikes!). I promise a post about them with pictures as soon as my new hard drive is installed. I am absolutely smitten with them!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Delivery Day
Well, today is the day! We are here in Labor and Delivery just waiting for a couple of babies to join us in our arms! I am feeling so blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord today. Last night I was able to sleep through the whole night only waking up twice for a potty break and I was able to go right back to sleep both times. This morning my alarm was set for 5:30 am, but at 5:20 Ellie's sweet little voice quietly said, "Hi Mom!" as she snuggled her blanket by her face and sucked her thumb waiting for me to boost her into my bed to cuddle. I got to spend 10 minutes just soaking in the her sweet little smile and cheerful morning attitude as we cuddled, mom and baby one last time before she gives up her place as baby of the family and becomes a big sister. This morning she was particularly enamoured with my belly and kept patting it saying, "Hi baby". She was liberal with her kisses and hugs as if she knew that today was an important day. Chloe knew too...she came running in my room as soon as she woke up to make sure she got extra hugs and kisses before I left for the hospital. She also sent me off with a lovely note that said Hugs and Kisses from Chloe in a cute little homemade envelope. I love that sweet girl!
We didn't get stuck in any traffic on the way down, which was awesome, and they got us right into our room (apparently Labor and Delivery floors are not as busy here in Tucson as they are in Salt Lake...they all asked me if I was Mrs. Tate when I arrived) which is "the best room" they have and has the most gorgeous top floor views of Tucson, the Catalina Foothills and the Catalina mountains. It is so gorgeous and green and there are palm trees everywhere. I love this place!
When we got here I was already dialated to a 2 and 60% effaced, which was unexpected since I am only 36 weeks, but very very exciting. They got me hooked up to pitocin about 9:30 am and immediately my body started contracting and now at 10:45 am, my contractions are every 2-3 minutes and getting stronger. They are coming in to give me the epidural and break my water soon, and we are well on our way to getting these little guys here!
As I have recounted the story of our journey through TTTS with our nurse as she has been reviewing my history, I am so grateful that we have made it here! I will keep updating as we go through the day!
We didn't get stuck in any traffic on the way down, which was awesome, and they got us right into our room (apparently Labor and Delivery floors are not as busy here in Tucson as they are in Salt Lake...they all asked me if I was Mrs. Tate when I arrived) which is "the best room" they have and has the most gorgeous top floor views of Tucson, the Catalina Foothills and the Catalina mountains. It is so gorgeous and green and there are palm trees everywhere. I love this place!
When we got here I was already dialated to a 2 and 60% effaced, which was unexpected since I am only 36 weeks, but very very exciting. They got me hooked up to pitocin about 9:30 am and immediately my body started contracting and now at 10:45 am, my contractions are every 2-3 minutes and getting stronger. They are coming in to give me the epidural and break my water soon, and we are well on our way to getting these little guys here!
As I have recounted the story of our journey through TTTS with our nurse as she has been reviewing my history, I am so grateful that we have made it here! I will keep updating as we go through the day!
Friday, May 10, 2013
Last Doctors Appointment
Yesterday was my last ultrasound and Doctors appointment for this pregnancy. What a long road it has been to get here! The babies looked fantastic: each weighing in at 5 lbs. 12 oz. and both head down ready to be delivered! In case you didn't do that math, that means I am carrying 11 lbs 8 oz. of baby (+ a double sized placenta + 2 sacs of fluid...pretty much a whole bunch of stuff I am SUPER excited to evict from my body in just 5 days)! Still I am only up a total of 30 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight, though it feels like so very much more each time take a step or catch my reflection in a window!
Before I left my doctor's office, I scheduled my post-partum visit, and things got so real. All of a sudden it hit me like a brick wall, that in less than a week I would be holding 2 baby boys...feeding them, changing their diapers, choosing their names, introducing them to their siblings, taking giant breaths of that sweet newborn baby smell as I kiss their little heads and snuggle them close. It hit me that I would be done with this chapter of my life forever. That my days of growing little life inside of me would be ending and never again would I feel the flutters and kicks and punches of a little one still growing in preparation for a life on Earth. It was bittersweet.
Sure, I am past the point of comfort: it hurts to stand, sit, lie down, walk, bend and lift. I literally had to slam on my breaks and turn on my emergency flashers in the middle of the WalMart parking lot the other day because my leg cramped so bad that I couldn't drive. I am lucky to get more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night despite going to bed early and attempting to sleep in. I have to ration my trips up and down the stairs and often have to let stuff collect in piles at the tops and bottom of the stairs because I just can't bear the thought of going up or down the stairs one extra time. My feet decided to become so itchy I often would like to have them amputated and the simplest tasks like folding laundry and rinsing dishes in the sink seem so overwhelming that I need to sit down just thinking about doing them. And yet through all of that, I am so grateful to have experienced this...the rollercoaster of emotion and wondering if these little ones would make it here to our family safely, the worry about all of the unknowns, the millions of little prayers asking for miracles, the sweet discovery of two distinct personalities developing in my sweet boys, and the overwhelming confirmation daily that God exists, that he loves me and my family and that he is watching over us. I wouldn't wish to experience any of it again, but I also wouldn't trade it, and that is what I am left with each time I think about this pregnancy chapter coming to an end.
In the middle of the night last night, I was overcome with such a feeling of love and appreciation for each of my children: for their unique personalities and strengths, for the void they have filled in our family, and for the way they test me and stretch me and teach me to love. And I know that these little boys will fill another void we don't realize exists and that we will all be better because they are a part of our family. So, for 5 more days, I will relish the dynamic of our family of 6, anticipate the joy that will come to our family of 8, and count my blessings that I can look back at all of it, grateful for the good and the bad.
My computer hard drive decided to die, so I apologize for the lack of pictures and infrequency of posting on here. As soon as I have access to my own computer and photo organizing/editing software again, I promise to update with posts that don't blab on about pregnancy. To come: birthdays, Morgan's baptism, and the sweet little moments of our everyday life that I don't want to forget! :)
Before I left my doctor's office, I scheduled my post-partum visit, and things got so real. All of a sudden it hit me like a brick wall, that in less than a week I would be holding 2 baby boys...feeding them, changing their diapers, choosing their names, introducing them to their siblings, taking giant breaths of that sweet newborn baby smell as I kiss their little heads and snuggle them close. It hit me that I would be done with this chapter of my life forever. That my days of growing little life inside of me would be ending and never again would I feel the flutters and kicks and punches of a little one still growing in preparation for a life on Earth. It was bittersweet.
Sure, I am past the point of comfort: it hurts to stand, sit, lie down, walk, bend and lift. I literally had to slam on my breaks and turn on my emergency flashers in the middle of the WalMart parking lot the other day because my leg cramped so bad that I couldn't drive. I am lucky to get more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night despite going to bed early and attempting to sleep in. I have to ration my trips up and down the stairs and often have to let stuff collect in piles at the tops and bottom of the stairs because I just can't bear the thought of going up or down the stairs one extra time. My feet decided to become so itchy I often would like to have them amputated and the simplest tasks like folding laundry and rinsing dishes in the sink seem so overwhelming that I need to sit down just thinking about doing them. And yet through all of that, I am so grateful to have experienced this...the rollercoaster of emotion and wondering if these little ones would make it here to our family safely, the worry about all of the unknowns, the millions of little prayers asking for miracles, the sweet discovery of two distinct personalities developing in my sweet boys, and the overwhelming confirmation daily that God exists, that he loves me and my family and that he is watching over us. I wouldn't wish to experience any of it again, but I also wouldn't trade it, and that is what I am left with each time I think about this pregnancy chapter coming to an end.
In the middle of the night last night, I was overcome with such a feeling of love and appreciation for each of my children: for their unique personalities and strengths, for the void they have filled in our family, and for the way they test me and stretch me and teach me to love. And I know that these little boys will fill another void we don't realize exists and that we will all be better because they are a part of our family. So, for 5 more days, I will relish the dynamic of our family of 6, anticipate the joy that will come to our family of 8, and count my blessings that I can look back at all of it, grateful for the good and the bad.
My computer hard drive decided to die, so I apologize for the lack of pictures and infrequency of posting on here. As soon as I have access to my own computer and photo organizing/editing software again, I promise to update with posts that don't blab on about pregnancy. To come: birthdays, Morgan's baptism, and the sweet little moments of our everyday life that I don't want to forget! :)
Monday, April 22, 2013
A lot to update!
Well, once again it has been a crazy whirlwind since my last update on here, but I am happy to report that we have survived and these babies of ours are still cooking!
Here is the quick recap:
The last week of March my Mom and John were here and helped us move, get unpacked in our new house and celebrate CHLOE'S 6TH BIRTHDAY! That girl is so grown up. I owe her a birthday post ASAP. :) Her birthday celebrations included going out to dinner, swimming in our new (and much warmer) pool, store bought pink frosted cupcakes, going shopping for some new outfits and taking fruit by the foots to her school class. That is about the extent of the excitement when your family moves the day before your birthday.
The first week of April we celebrated Seth's birthday...again, pretty low key, but still fun because it involved swimming with the fam, dinner he didn't have to help with and poppyseed cake.
The rest of April has been spent rearranging furniture, hanging stuff on the walls, garage saling on Saturdays to find random furniture pieces, yard stuff and decorations, painting and assembling cribs, shopping for baby gear, hanging curtains, organizing cupboards, building stuff, installing fans and of course...lots and lots of swimming and lots of doctors appointments. We love our new house and are so glad to live here. We definitely miss the bus, and the stairs will probably send me into labor one of these days, but it is a wonderful house for us and the backyard is our little piece of heaven on earth!
I (unwisely) overestimated my ability to finish projects this late in the pregnancy and undertook the refinishing of our gigantic kitchen table. It has been a work in progress since the last week of March, and I am happy to report that only a few more coats of polyurethane are required and it will be complete! Bending over and getting motivated to do stuff after the kids are in bed are not my best skills right now, so even if it has taken a month, refinishing the table represents quite the accomplishment for a big 'ol pregnant lady!
Yesterday we celebrated MORGAN'S 8TH BIRTHDAY! How on earth did 8 years go by so quickly! My little baby boy is so big and grown up...I owe him a birthday post ASAP too. We celebrated with a daddy date to the demolition derby, a baptismal interview with the bishop (what? so old!), swimming, a chocolate cake with strawberry filling and strawberry buttercream frosting, and fruit by the foots for his class today. The festivities will continue with his Baptism on Saturday, which we are all very excited about! We are so sad that we won't have our family there to support him on his big day, but when we talked to him about waiting and having family there (or doing the baptism in Utah this summer) or doing it now and just having our little family and a few friends, he was just so excited to get baptised that he didn't want to wait. I am so proud of him for making this decision...and more than that, for understanding why he is making it and what it will mean in his life.
Finally, this week (Wednesday) marks 33 weeks. If you have been following our story, you will know that this is an outright miracle. I feel so blessed with how far we have come on this journey of twin pregnancy and TTTS. Now that I am more established with my new OB group, things are going so much better and I leave each appointment feeling on top of the world with how much progress the babies have made. At my last ultrasound about a week and a half ago, both babies had fantastic fluid levels (apparently enough for them to be flipping around in there still), each baby was 3 lbs. 12 oz. (around the 40th percentile), both babies were making the "breathing" motions, and Baby A's heart issue (muscular VSD) was still very small and looks like it will likely clear up on its own without any intervention needed after he is born. We scheduled my induction for 36 weeks on the button (22 days away!), and it looks like we will probably make it there. It is so amazing to see this miracle in our lives and we could not be more thrilled with how these little guys are doing! I am feeling rather large, but to be honest, I am probably only about the size I was in the last month of my singleton pregnancies. This is still my lowest weight gain pregnancy since I am only up 28lbs. total (and most of that is probably from all the birthday cake we have been eating around here - ha). I still have 3 weeks to go, though, so it will be interesting to see what those 3 weeks bring! I owe a big giant THANK YOU to the many friends who have taken my kids for hours each week while I have gone to Dr's appointments. I am sure Morgan's teacher is getting sick of all the "change in transportation plans" notes I have been sending in. I also owe a big THANK YOU to my amazing husband for working so hard, only to come home and find dinner unfinished, a wife putting her feet up and guzzling ice water to attempt to decrease the swelling from the day, kids who are in desperate need of some hands on parental play and a never-ending honey do list. It truly amazes me that he does all of this without complaint! So very blessed to be married to him!
Here is the quick recap:
The last week of March my Mom and John were here and helped us move, get unpacked in our new house and celebrate CHLOE'S 6TH BIRTHDAY! That girl is so grown up. I owe her a birthday post ASAP. :) Her birthday celebrations included going out to dinner, swimming in our new (and much warmer) pool, store bought pink frosted cupcakes, going shopping for some new outfits and taking fruit by the foots to her school class. That is about the extent of the excitement when your family moves the day before your birthday.
The first week of April we celebrated Seth's birthday...again, pretty low key, but still fun because it involved swimming with the fam, dinner he didn't have to help with and poppyseed cake.
The rest of April has been spent rearranging furniture, hanging stuff on the walls, garage saling on Saturdays to find random furniture pieces, yard stuff and decorations, painting and assembling cribs, shopping for baby gear, hanging curtains, organizing cupboards, building stuff, installing fans and of course...lots and lots of swimming and lots of doctors appointments. We love our new house and are so glad to live here. We definitely miss the bus, and the stairs will probably send me into labor one of these days, but it is a wonderful house for us and the backyard is our little piece of heaven on earth!
I (unwisely) overestimated my ability to finish projects this late in the pregnancy and undertook the refinishing of our gigantic kitchen table. It has been a work in progress since the last week of March, and I am happy to report that only a few more coats of polyurethane are required and it will be complete! Bending over and getting motivated to do stuff after the kids are in bed are not my best skills right now, so even if it has taken a month, refinishing the table represents quite the accomplishment for a big 'ol pregnant lady!
Yesterday we celebrated MORGAN'S 8TH BIRTHDAY! How on earth did 8 years go by so quickly! My little baby boy is so big and grown up...I owe him a birthday post ASAP too. We celebrated with a daddy date to the demolition derby, a baptismal interview with the bishop (what? so old!), swimming, a chocolate cake with strawberry filling and strawberry buttercream frosting, and fruit by the foots for his class today. The festivities will continue with his Baptism on Saturday, which we are all very excited about! We are so sad that we won't have our family there to support him on his big day, but when we talked to him about waiting and having family there (or doing the baptism in Utah this summer) or doing it now and just having our little family and a few friends, he was just so excited to get baptised that he didn't want to wait. I am so proud of him for making this decision...and more than that, for understanding why he is making it and what it will mean in his life.
Finally, this week (Wednesday) marks 33 weeks. If you have been following our story, you will know that this is an outright miracle. I feel so blessed with how far we have come on this journey of twin pregnancy and TTTS. Now that I am more established with my new OB group, things are going so much better and I leave each appointment feeling on top of the world with how much progress the babies have made. At my last ultrasound about a week and a half ago, both babies had fantastic fluid levels (apparently enough for them to be flipping around in there still), each baby was 3 lbs. 12 oz. (around the 40th percentile), both babies were making the "breathing" motions, and Baby A's heart issue (muscular VSD) was still very small and looks like it will likely clear up on its own without any intervention needed after he is born. We scheduled my induction for 36 weeks on the button (22 days away!), and it looks like we will probably make it there. It is so amazing to see this miracle in our lives and we could not be more thrilled with how these little guys are doing! I am feeling rather large, but to be honest, I am probably only about the size I was in the last month of my singleton pregnancies. This is still my lowest weight gain pregnancy since I am only up 28lbs. total (and most of that is probably from all the birthday cake we have been eating around here - ha). I still have 3 weeks to go, though, so it will be interesting to see what those 3 weeks bring! I owe a big giant THANK YOU to the many friends who have taken my kids for hours each week while I have gone to Dr's appointments. I am sure Morgan's teacher is getting sick of all the "change in transportation plans" notes I have been sending in. I also owe a big THANK YOU to my amazing husband for working so hard, only to come home and find dinner unfinished, a wife putting her feet up and guzzling ice water to attempt to decrease the swelling from the day, kids who are in desperate need of some hands on parental play and a never-ending honey do list. It truly amazes me that he does all of this without complaint! So very blessed to be married to him!
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Positive Progress!
So, we are 2 and a half weeks post surgery and everything looks absolutely fantastic with the babies! They both have plenty of fluid, they are both filling and emptying their bladders consistently and even going through the movements to practice breathing. Best news of all, both babies are growing like crazy! At my ultrasound on Tuesday, which was 26 weeks and 7 days gestation, Baby A was measuring 2 lbs and Baby B, the little tanker, was measuring 2 lbs. 3 oz. Of course, there is a HUGE margin of error when estimating baby weights based on measurements in utero, but it is so comforting to think that not only are they growing well, they are thriving in there! That puts both of them around the 30th percentile for size, which is pretty impressive considering just 2 weeks prior they were both measuring below the 10th percentile.
This is all fantastic and we feel like it is such a miracle that these babies are alive and kicking! We are still not completely able to relax yet, though. Our surgeon told us when we had the surgery that 4 weeks post surgery, if everything is going well, that is a good indicator that everything will be fine, so we are holding our breath for about a week and a half more (which, consequently, is the day before our move).
Quite a few people have asked me how we have stayed so positive through all of this, and I attribute most of it to faith, a good portion to the outpouring of love on our family, and the rest to sunny weather and blue skies. That said...the next part of this post is about my pregnancy at this point and you will all see that I am indeed, a very flawed human, and not optimistic about everything. But, lest I forget all the details of this lovely pregnancy, I feel it necessary to record the other part of this story, so my little boys will be able to fully appreciate their mama and all she endured to get them here.
As far as I am concerned, this pregnancy thing is killing me. I had to switch doctors after the surgery to make sure we would be able to deliver at the hospital with the best NICU possible for these little ones (and to avoid the possibility of one getting transferred to the better NICU and one staying at the closer hospital because I am sure the back and forth would be more than I could handle). The new Dr. may or may not be great...I don't know because I haven't met her...and may not get the chance to meet her until delivery. She is the head of the high risk specialty clinic at the hospital, and the way the whole thing is set up is not awesome at all. Because I am high risk, I can't actually schedule with my Dr., but have to set up my appointments on the "high risk clinic" day. This leaves me with no flexibility whatsoever as the appointments are only Thursday afternoons. Then, I see a different person every time...one of which could be my Dr, but that hasn't happened yet. The Dr. who has come in at the end of each of my appointments (because it is a teaching hopsital and they have the residents and fellows do the main appointment part and then the specialist comes in to make sure everything is good and answer questions) has consistently been the same, but he drives me kind of crazy, bless his heart. He is very laid back in his approach, and has given me instructions that directly contradict the orders from my surgeon, more than once. In addition to all of this, the new clinic is a full 45 minutes away from my house, and I have not yet waited less than an hour to be seen, despite having scheduled appointments. I am hopeful that this will get better, and that maybe it is just a matter of getting care transferred and getting them up to speed on where I am, but I am not holding my breath. I am not sure why, of all the trials and unexpected changes that have come into our lives recently, this clinic is the thing that is causing me the most stress and frustration, but it is and I am so glad that in 9 weeks, I will be done with this pregnancy and able to go back to my other wonderful OB (and never be pregnant ever again)!
At my appointment on Thursday, I was measuring 37 weeks pregnant...I was 27 weeks 1 day. Yes, that means I am as uncomfortable as normal people are when they are in those final few weeks of pregnancy. Everything hurts, I always have to pee, and EVERYBODY stops me to ask when I am due. Don't people know that when you look really uncomfortable you don't want to be asked that question? Today we went grocery shopping - a family costco trip where all I had to do was hold Chloe's hand and tell Seth what to put in the cart and a quick solo run to walmart for a couple of things. About halfway through Wal Mart, I discovered why all my twin mama friends told me they had to use those power-wheelchair-grocery-cart things toward the end of their pregnancies. I was waddling like a duck, breathing heavily and having contractions like crazy. I almost just abandoned my cart, went home and sent Seth back for the groceries, but being the strong willed stubborn woman I am, I pushed on, literally, trying to support my extra weight with the shopping cart, until I found those darn gold wrapped rolos for the leprechauns to leave at the end of the rainbow scavenger hunt tonight.
Then there is the heartburn. I am no stranger to heartburn during pregnancy, but this time around, it is like I swallowed a fire breathing dragon and everything I eat or drink, including water, makes him raging mad. Did you know that with twin pregnancies you have to take the horrible gestational diabetes test twice? The first time was much less horrible than I remember, but I had to take the second one this week and it was much more horrible than I remember. I had a complete and total sugar crash after the test and was so thankful that Chloe was being cooperative and took care of Ellie all afternoon while I slept on the couch like a dead body. Then, the lasting effects of the sugar high and crash lingered for 3 days making me feel woozy, sleepy, thirsty, hungry and swollen constantly. I passed the test (according to my Dr. - of course he is laid back and even though I was right on the borderline decided not to have me take the 3 hour test - this is the first time I have been thankful for his lackadaisical approach), but I am trying to make sure I get a balance of protein and carbs so it doesn't get any worse. The back pain, and round ligament pain, and sciatic nerve pain, and ribcage pain, and lower belly pain are all...well, painful, so I am so excited that it is fast approaching swimming weather since floating in a pool is really the only way to find relief from any of it.
Ellie is still not thrilled that I don't pick her up anymore, and at least once a day, I end up sitting on the floor cradling her in my arms because she is having a meltdown because mom wouldn't hold her. She is 90% cooperative when it comes to getting herself in and out of the high chair, crib and car seat, but every so often she pitches a fit and I have to break the rules and lift her. It is funny to me, because, while she is a snuggler, she has always been pretty independent and I have never been the type of mom to hold my babies all the time. I figured we would be fine because we do most of the snuggling in a chair or on the couch reading books, but I was surprised by how often I used to pick her up to give her loves or help her get where she needed to be. It will be so nice to be able to lift her again because I sure miss twirling her around and getting slobbery kisses from her!
The other kids are trying their hardest to be helpful, but are definitely taking advantage of the fact that mom can't really enforce much as far as chores go. We have been watching waaaaay too many episodes of My Little Pony and playing waay too many computer games lately, but we are surviving! They all think it is hilarious that my belly button sticks out and constantly want to lift my shirt so they can see it...and show it to other people...not my favorite thing they do. Brynn is in love with Baby B and has a very special bond with him because her name starts with B and he is baby B. The other day she was laying on my tummy on my left side where Baby B is, and she said, "Mom, you should only chew on this side of your mouth so baby B will get enough food." She has decided on names for both babies and not only 2 names, but which name goes to which baby. The names just might stick because the rest of us (mostly Seth) are being indecisive. Morgan is so aware of what is going on, and likes to wiggle my belly to play with the babies and get them to kick so he can feel it. Chloe likes to feel them kick too, but she is the one who talks to my belly the most...in fact, every morning before she gets on the bus, she gives both babies kisses and tells them goodbye. Even Ellie has started to identify my belly with the question, "Where are the babies?" The sibling bond is a pretty amazing thing!
Yes friends, twin pregnancy is a beast! I do not wish it on anyone...it is in no way, shape or form a 2 for 1 deal...on the contrary it is at least double the horribleness of a singleton pregnancy and quadruple the Drs appointments and stressful complications. I am very glad that this is our last pregnancy, though, because if it had been our first pregnancy, I still think it would have been our last.:)
This is all fantastic and we feel like it is such a miracle that these babies are alive and kicking! We are still not completely able to relax yet, though. Our surgeon told us when we had the surgery that 4 weeks post surgery, if everything is going well, that is a good indicator that everything will be fine, so we are holding our breath for about a week and a half more (which, consequently, is the day before our move).
Quite a few people have asked me how we have stayed so positive through all of this, and I attribute most of it to faith, a good portion to the outpouring of love on our family, and the rest to sunny weather and blue skies. That said...the next part of this post is about my pregnancy at this point and you will all see that I am indeed, a very flawed human, and not optimistic about everything. But, lest I forget all the details of this lovely pregnancy, I feel it necessary to record the other part of this story, so my little boys will be able to fully appreciate their mama and all she endured to get them here.
As far as I am concerned, this pregnancy thing is killing me. I had to switch doctors after the surgery to make sure we would be able to deliver at the hospital with the best NICU possible for these little ones (and to avoid the possibility of one getting transferred to the better NICU and one staying at the closer hospital because I am sure the back and forth would be more than I could handle). The new Dr. may or may not be great...I don't know because I haven't met her...and may not get the chance to meet her until delivery. She is the head of the high risk specialty clinic at the hospital, and the way the whole thing is set up is not awesome at all. Because I am high risk, I can't actually schedule with my Dr., but have to set up my appointments on the "high risk clinic" day. This leaves me with no flexibility whatsoever as the appointments are only Thursday afternoons. Then, I see a different person every time...one of which could be my Dr, but that hasn't happened yet. The Dr. who has come in at the end of each of my appointments (because it is a teaching hopsital and they have the residents and fellows do the main appointment part and then the specialist comes in to make sure everything is good and answer questions) has consistently been the same, but he drives me kind of crazy, bless his heart. He is very laid back in his approach, and has given me instructions that directly contradict the orders from my surgeon, more than once. In addition to all of this, the new clinic is a full 45 minutes away from my house, and I have not yet waited less than an hour to be seen, despite having scheduled appointments. I am hopeful that this will get better, and that maybe it is just a matter of getting care transferred and getting them up to speed on where I am, but I am not holding my breath. I am not sure why, of all the trials and unexpected changes that have come into our lives recently, this clinic is the thing that is causing me the most stress and frustration, but it is and I am so glad that in 9 weeks, I will be done with this pregnancy and able to go back to my other wonderful OB (and never be pregnant ever again)!
At my appointment on Thursday, I was measuring 37 weeks pregnant...I was 27 weeks 1 day. Yes, that means I am as uncomfortable as normal people are when they are in those final few weeks of pregnancy. Everything hurts, I always have to pee, and EVERYBODY stops me to ask when I am due. Don't people know that when you look really uncomfortable you don't want to be asked that question? Today we went grocery shopping - a family costco trip where all I had to do was hold Chloe's hand and tell Seth what to put in the cart and a quick solo run to walmart for a couple of things. About halfway through Wal Mart, I discovered why all my twin mama friends told me they had to use those power-wheelchair-grocery-cart things toward the end of their pregnancies. I was waddling like a duck, breathing heavily and having contractions like crazy. I almost just abandoned my cart, went home and sent Seth back for the groceries, but being the strong willed stubborn woman I am, I pushed on, literally, trying to support my extra weight with the shopping cart, until I found those darn gold wrapped rolos for the leprechauns to leave at the end of the rainbow scavenger hunt tonight.
Then there is the heartburn. I am no stranger to heartburn during pregnancy, but this time around, it is like I swallowed a fire breathing dragon and everything I eat or drink, including water, makes him raging mad. Did you know that with twin pregnancies you have to take the horrible gestational diabetes test twice? The first time was much less horrible than I remember, but I had to take the second one this week and it was much more horrible than I remember. I had a complete and total sugar crash after the test and was so thankful that Chloe was being cooperative and took care of Ellie all afternoon while I slept on the couch like a dead body. Then, the lasting effects of the sugar high and crash lingered for 3 days making me feel woozy, sleepy, thirsty, hungry and swollen constantly. I passed the test (according to my Dr. - of course he is laid back and even though I was right on the borderline decided not to have me take the 3 hour test - this is the first time I have been thankful for his lackadaisical approach), but I am trying to make sure I get a balance of protein and carbs so it doesn't get any worse. The back pain, and round ligament pain, and sciatic nerve pain, and ribcage pain, and lower belly pain are all...well, painful, so I am so excited that it is fast approaching swimming weather since floating in a pool is really the only way to find relief from any of it.
Ellie is still not thrilled that I don't pick her up anymore, and at least once a day, I end up sitting on the floor cradling her in my arms because she is having a meltdown because mom wouldn't hold her. She is 90% cooperative when it comes to getting herself in and out of the high chair, crib and car seat, but every so often she pitches a fit and I have to break the rules and lift her. It is funny to me, because, while she is a snuggler, she has always been pretty independent and I have never been the type of mom to hold my babies all the time. I figured we would be fine because we do most of the snuggling in a chair or on the couch reading books, but I was surprised by how often I used to pick her up to give her loves or help her get where she needed to be. It will be so nice to be able to lift her again because I sure miss twirling her around and getting slobbery kisses from her!
The other kids are trying their hardest to be helpful, but are definitely taking advantage of the fact that mom can't really enforce much as far as chores go. We have been watching waaaaay too many episodes of My Little Pony and playing waay too many computer games lately, but we are surviving! They all think it is hilarious that my belly button sticks out and constantly want to lift my shirt so they can see it...and show it to other people...not my favorite thing they do. Brynn is in love with Baby B and has a very special bond with him because her name starts with B and he is baby B. The other day she was laying on my tummy on my left side where Baby B is, and she said, "Mom, you should only chew on this side of your mouth so baby B will get enough food." She has decided on names for both babies and not only 2 names, but which name goes to which baby. The names just might stick because the rest of us (mostly Seth) are being indecisive. Morgan is so aware of what is going on, and likes to wiggle my belly to play with the babies and get them to kick so he can feel it. Chloe likes to feel them kick too, but she is the one who talks to my belly the most...in fact, every morning before she gets on the bus, she gives both babies kisses and tells them goodbye. Even Ellie has started to identify my belly with the question, "Where are the babies?" The sibling bond is a pretty amazing thing!
Yes friends, twin pregnancy is a beast! I do not wish it on anyone...it is in no way, shape or form a 2 for 1 deal...on the contrary it is at least double the horribleness of a singleton pregnancy and quadruple the Drs appointments and stressful complications. I am very glad that this is our last pregnancy, though, because if it had been our first pregnancy, I still think it would have been our last.:)
Monday, March 4, 2013
Post Surgery Update
We went in for the surgery right after I posted my last post and everything went so well!
The surgery itself was quite different from what I expected...probably because my expectations were a little unrealistic. Having never had surgery before, this was quite the experience for me. I felt pretty calm and put together, though I was missing Seth as soon as he was directed to the waiting room and I was wheeled into the operating room. Then they strapped me to the table (not my favorite thing) before I got myself in a comfortable enough position to stay in for the next hour and a half (probably because such a position does not exist when you are 25 weeks pregnant with twins). Then they started me on my "cocktail" of meds to keep me calm and somewhat sedated. Drugs + me = not good. I immediately started to feel dizzy and not all there. I kept asking them, "I am really dizzy, is this normal?" and "Why am I so sleepy all of a sudden, I am not supposed to feel sleepy am I?" And because I was so very out of it thanks to the meds, I didn't get to reposition myself before they started the surgery, which I regretted as soon as I realized they were inserting the scope and I was required to be completely still. Immediately I was feeling lots of pressure which was pretty painful. Again, I was asking, is it normal to be in pain? And they were all looking at me like, uh, lady, there is a scope inside your amniotic sac...pain and pressure are to be expected. (I sound like such a whimp here. I typically have a pretty high pain tolerance, but I was expecting to be numbed for all of this pain - so virtually feel nothing - so I think I was just taken back by feeling pain). Then the nausea started up and they had to give me something for nausea to prevent me from throwing up mid-surgery. It is probably a good thing I have never been inclined to drink or take drugs because I really hate the feeling of not being in control of my body! In the recovery room, as I was telling my nurse about all of this, she said, "You don't drink much, do you?" Ha...nope I don't! Anyway, back to the surgery, it was incredible to see those little babies on the screen. Baby A was trying to help Dr. Chmait as he was lasering vessels and just about got himself a little tattoo. I saw Baby B through the membrane he was all seran wrapped in, but obviously didn't get a very close look at him. Baby A was excited to show off his boy parts for the camera and everyone was so amused by that that they actually included a "pee pee" shot as one of the ones they printed for us...the kids have been having fun giggling about it since we got home. I wish the images they printed for us could capture exactly how amazing it was to see my little unborn babies swimming around in the womb! So incredible!
After surgery, Dr. Chmait reassured me that it went well and he felt like he had been able to get all of the connecting vessels so we had successfully cured the Twin to Twin Transfusion. He also told me that he found that the babies were unequally sharing the placenta. Baby A is using about 75% of the placenta and Baby B only about 25%. Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done about that, but now that they are each getting the full share of the placenta portion they have, they will at least be able to grow safely at their own pace independent of each other. This does put B at a disadvantage since he is already so small and has so little of the placenta, but after doing some research, this is very common with identical twins and there is a good chance they will be just fine. They showed me the fluid that they removed from Baby A's sack and it was about a liter and a half...crazy! I definitely do feel lighter though!
Then they wheeled me into recovery and Seth was able to join me! Dr. Chmait's incredible nurse, Arlene, who had been taking care of us every step of the way and had been in the OR with me, also came and joined us in recovery to talk to us about the procedure, how it went, and make sure I recovered well before they turned us over to the hospital. I was having contractions all over the place and they were pretty painful, so they gave me a shot of terbutaline to stop the contractions. After a bit, I couldn't feel the contractions anymore because they had subsided enough, so I was able to have some ice water WOO HOO! and get wheeled to my room where "lunch" was waiting for me. It was cold beef stew and carrots, but I seriously didn't even care because I was so starving!
The hospital food was kind of interesting...chicken fajitas for dinner, beef stew for lunch...just not your typical healthy hospital food spread. They were so kind, though, and brought in a bed and meals for Seth too. :) Dr. Chmait came in to check on me a few times before he left for the day and I was able to get off my catheder and IV pretty quickly. Another big WOO HOO! He prescribed an ambien to help me sleep, but I wasn't sure I needed it and the nurse didn't even get a chance to offer it to me because I was fast asleep when she came in. I slept pretty well, other than a tender belly from the surgery and two babies kicking me from the inside, but honestly, that was so reassuring that it just made me happy!
In the morning Dr. Chmait came in to check on us and talk through the schedule for the day and when he found out we were driving back home as soon as we were discharged decided to have our ultrasound first (we were supposed to be second). They did the ultrasound of my cervix first and found that it held up well and was as long if not longer than before the surgery which was great news. Then the regular ultrasound showed 2 heartbeats...and 2 full bladders! It was such happy news. Everything looked great and we had hit the 2nd milestone of 2 heartbeats, so they talked in detail about what bedrest would look like for me and let us get discharged from the hospital and we were back on the road. We got home right as the kids were tucked into bed and got to give the older ones a kiss and a hug, and then we got to sleep in our own bed! It was amazing how well I slept in my own bed!
My discharge orders were bed rest for a week - no lifting, no cleaning, no grocery shopping, no packing, no lifting boxes, spending most of my time sitting or lying down and getting lots of rest. Then we will be on "minimal-light activity restriction" for the rest of the pregnancy with strict orders to sit with my feet up for at least 2 hours, twice a day. Bed rest is not easy for me, particularly when I feel pretty good, and Ellie isn't sure why I haven't picked her up in days, but we will get through it and I am blessed that I am still able to get around and take kids to the bus stop and drive myself to Drs appointments.
The reason for the bedrest in my case is not as much for the risk of preterm labor since my cervix is so long, but because the surgery creates a hole in the amniotic sac, and unlike our skin, the amniotic sac has no way to repair that hole. So, the only reason fluid isn't leaking out is that the hole is pushed up tight against the uterine wall. Straining to lift, or move in a weird way or even to go to the bathroom (TMI?) could cause the uterus to change shape and allow the amniotic sac to leak and/or burst. Every time I cough or feel a little nauseous, I kind of freak out that I might burst the sac...so scary. We are hoping that I can take it as easy as possible until we hit 28 weeks (I wonder if I can make it that long without vacuuming, but that is the goal...28 weeks is only 2 weeks from Wednesday), and then our next mini-goal is 30 weeks and then 32 weeks (April 17), and then of course, I will continue to take it easy, but if we make it to 34 weeks (May 1), I will just count it as a HUGE miracle that we made it that far and will feel complete peace with them coming at any point after that. (I know that sounds super early still, but considering all of the factors it would truly be a miracle!)
This is such a different experience than I have ever had or than I expected with these babies. I have never for a minute worried that my babies would be small, but that is a significant concern this time around. I have never worried that I was going to have babies come early and spend time in the NICU, but at this point, I am just planning for that to be the case and hoping I will be pleasantly surprised and they won't have a long NICU stay. I have never worried about the lower weight limit on an infant carrier before or not being able to get the nursery ready. When I was pregnant with Brynn I was putting siding on the garage at 7 months pregnant, for heavens sake!
I am learning, yet again, to submit to the will of my Heavenly Father and just let Him be in charge and have faith in his plan. We have felt the love and peace of our Heavenly Father so distinctly in the last few weeks and the love of friends and family and neighbors! So many of our faraway friends and family have expressed their concern and desire to be able to be close enough to help, but I want to assure you all, that we are being watched over and taken care of! We were so sad to say goodbye to Sarah and Michael last night after they made dinner, mopped floors and took care of kids all week (not to mention providing lots of fun entertainment for the kiddos) and so appreciated their help. We have dinners coming all week this week and offers for dinners for the next few weeks from the amazing people in our ward. There is a list of people coming to help us pack boxes and people willing to take the kids at a moments notice for appointments, emergencies or when I need a break. Our dear neighbors across the street dropped off a freezable meal last night so we would have dinner whenever we need it most. We have been the recipients of so many prayers and calls and texts and emails. We have family scheduling trips to come out and help us. It is just such an amazing - and even overwhelming - feeling to have so much love showered out on our little family. I feel like I am watching a hundred miracles unfold before my eyes each day and have never been quite so aware of all the little blessings that are bestowed upon us each day. As we look around and see many people we love facing much more difficult circumstances than ours, we feel truly blessed that this small trial is ours to endure and are grateful for the opportunity to exercise our faith.
Finally, because of all the risks associated with the surgery and the additional risks we found as we prepared for the surgery, we made the decision with heavy hearts to transfer our care to a new OB at a high risk practice who could deliver at a (further away) hospital with a higher level NICU. I have not met the new OB yet, but have heard wonderful things about her and am so confident in her abilities. It was a hard decision to switch because my OB and MFM have taken such amazing care of us through all of this, and I credit much of our babies' well being to their diligent watch and care, but both of them recommended the switch in the best interest of the twins. That is truly the sign of a caring and wonderful doctor. Because of the transfer of care, the new OB wanted to check in on the babies as quickly as possible since my first appointment with her is not until Thursday of this week, so I was able to go in for a spot check ultrasound on Friday in Labor and Delivery and they found that both boys are still doing well, have great heartbeats and full bladders, and the dividing membrane was visible because little Mr. B finally had some fluid! No more seran wrap going on! HOORAY! So now we just continue to take it easy, get lots of protein, lots of water and lots of rest, and hope that the next few weeks will continue to show progress in the right direction!
The surgery itself was quite different from what I expected...probably because my expectations were a little unrealistic. Having never had surgery before, this was quite the experience for me. I felt pretty calm and put together, though I was missing Seth as soon as he was directed to the waiting room and I was wheeled into the operating room. Then they strapped me to the table (not my favorite thing) before I got myself in a comfortable enough position to stay in for the next hour and a half (probably because such a position does not exist when you are 25 weeks pregnant with twins). Then they started me on my "cocktail" of meds to keep me calm and somewhat sedated. Drugs + me = not good. I immediately started to feel dizzy and not all there. I kept asking them, "I am really dizzy, is this normal?" and "Why am I so sleepy all of a sudden, I am not supposed to feel sleepy am I?" And because I was so very out of it thanks to the meds, I didn't get to reposition myself before they started the surgery, which I regretted as soon as I realized they were inserting the scope and I was required to be completely still. Immediately I was feeling lots of pressure which was pretty painful. Again, I was asking, is it normal to be in pain? And they were all looking at me like, uh, lady, there is a scope inside your amniotic sac...pain and pressure are to be expected. (I sound like such a whimp here. I typically have a pretty high pain tolerance, but I was expecting to be numbed for all of this pain - so virtually feel nothing - so I think I was just taken back by feeling pain). Then the nausea started up and they had to give me something for nausea to prevent me from throwing up mid-surgery. It is probably a good thing I have never been inclined to drink or take drugs because I really hate the feeling of not being in control of my body! In the recovery room, as I was telling my nurse about all of this, she said, "You don't drink much, do you?" Ha...nope I don't! Anyway, back to the surgery, it was incredible to see those little babies on the screen. Baby A was trying to help Dr. Chmait as he was lasering vessels and just about got himself a little tattoo. I saw Baby B through the membrane he was all seran wrapped in, but obviously didn't get a very close look at him. Baby A was excited to show off his boy parts for the camera and everyone was so amused by that that they actually included a "pee pee" shot as one of the ones they printed for us...the kids have been having fun giggling about it since we got home. I wish the images they printed for us could capture exactly how amazing it was to see my little unborn babies swimming around in the womb! So incredible!
this is Baby A's fist. You can see him putting it up to his face on the right in the ultrasound view
and the left image is what we saw through the scope.
This is Baby A touching his face (I think it is his face anyway). Amazing how you can see
the little wrinkles in his thumb and even what looks like a thumbnail.
And the famed "pee pee" shot. Little buddy, it is your own fault for hanging out in front of the camera with your boy parts for so long! If you can look past the boy parts, though, you can see his little legs and tummy. Such a teeny little thing! Fatten up, would ya!?
Then they wheeled me into recovery and Seth was able to join me! Dr. Chmait's incredible nurse, Arlene, who had been taking care of us every step of the way and had been in the OR with me, also came and joined us in recovery to talk to us about the procedure, how it went, and make sure I recovered well before they turned us over to the hospital. I was having contractions all over the place and they were pretty painful, so they gave me a shot of terbutaline to stop the contractions. After a bit, I couldn't feel the contractions anymore because they had subsided enough, so I was able to have some ice water WOO HOO! and get wheeled to my room where "lunch" was waiting for me. It was cold beef stew and carrots, but I seriously didn't even care because I was so starving!
The hospital food was kind of interesting...chicken fajitas for dinner, beef stew for lunch...just not your typical healthy hospital food spread. They were so kind, though, and brought in a bed and meals for Seth too. :) Dr. Chmait came in to check on me a few times before he left for the day and I was able to get off my catheder and IV pretty quickly. Another big WOO HOO! He prescribed an ambien to help me sleep, but I wasn't sure I needed it and the nurse didn't even get a chance to offer it to me because I was fast asleep when she came in. I slept pretty well, other than a tender belly from the surgery and two babies kicking me from the inside, but honestly, that was so reassuring that it just made me happy!
In the morning Dr. Chmait came in to check on us and talk through the schedule for the day and when he found out we were driving back home as soon as we were discharged decided to have our ultrasound first (we were supposed to be second). They did the ultrasound of my cervix first and found that it held up well and was as long if not longer than before the surgery which was great news. Then the regular ultrasound showed 2 heartbeats...and 2 full bladders! It was such happy news. Everything looked great and we had hit the 2nd milestone of 2 heartbeats, so they talked in detail about what bedrest would look like for me and let us get discharged from the hospital and we were back on the road. We got home right as the kids were tucked into bed and got to give the older ones a kiss and a hug, and then we got to sleep in our own bed! It was amazing how well I slept in my own bed!
My discharge orders were bed rest for a week - no lifting, no cleaning, no grocery shopping, no packing, no lifting boxes, spending most of my time sitting or lying down and getting lots of rest. Then we will be on "minimal-light activity restriction" for the rest of the pregnancy with strict orders to sit with my feet up for at least 2 hours, twice a day. Bed rest is not easy for me, particularly when I feel pretty good, and Ellie isn't sure why I haven't picked her up in days, but we will get through it and I am blessed that I am still able to get around and take kids to the bus stop and drive myself to Drs appointments.
The reason for the bedrest in my case is not as much for the risk of preterm labor since my cervix is so long, but because the surgery creates a hole in the amniotic sac, and unlike our skin, the amniotic sac has no way to repair that hole. So, the only reason fluid isn't leaking out is that the hole is pushed up tight against the uterine wall. Straining to lift, or move in a weird way or even to go to the bathroom (TMI?) could cause the uterus to change shape and allow the amniotic sac to leak and/or burst. Every time I cough or feel a little nauseous, I kind of freak out that I might burst the sac...so scary. We are hoping that I can take it as easy as possible until we hit 28 weeks (I wonder if I can make it that long without vacuuming, but that is the goal...28 weeks is only 2 weeks from Wednesday), and then our next mini-goal is 30 weeks and then 32 weeks (April 17), and then of course, I will continue to take it easy, but if we make it to 34 weeks (May 1), I will just count it as a HUGE miracle that we made it that far and will feel complete peace with them coming at any point after that. (I know that sounds super early still, but considering all of the factors it would truly be a miracle!)
This is such a different experience than I have ever had or than I expected with these babies. I have never for a minute worried that my babies would be small, but that is a significant concern this time around. I have never worried that I was going to have babies come early and spend time in the NICU, but at this point, I am just planning for that to be the case and hoping I will be pleasantly surprised and they won't have a long NICU stay. I have never worried about the lower weight limit on an infant carrier before or not being able to get the nursery ready. When I was pregnant with Brynn I was putting siding on the garage at 7 months pregnant, for heavens sake!
I am learning, yet again, to submit to the will of my Heavenly Father and just let Him be in charge and have faith in his plan. We have felt the love and peace of our Heavenly Father so distinctly in the last few weeks and the love of friends and family and neighbors! So many of our faraway friends and family have expressed their concern and desire to be able to be close enough to help, but I want to assure you all, that we are being watched over and taken care of! We were so sad to say goodbye to Sarah and Michael last night after they made dinner, mopped floors and took care of kids all week (not to mention providing lots of fun entertainment for the kiddos) and so appreciated their help. We have dinners coming all week this week and offers for dinners for the next few weeks from the amazing people in our ward. There is a list of people coming to help us pack boxes and people willing to take the kids at a moments notice for appointments, emergencies or when I need a break. Our dear neighbors across the street dropped off a freezable meal last night so we would have dinner whenever we need it most. We have been the recipients of so many prayers and calls and texts and emails. We have family scheduling trips to come out and help us. It is just such an amazing - and even overwhelming - feeling to have so much love showered out on our little family. I feel like I am watching a hundred miracles unfold before my eyes each day and have never been quite so aware of all the little blessings that are bestowed upon us each day. As we look around and see many people we love facing much more difficult circumstances than ours, we feel truly blessed that this small trial is ours to endure and are grateful for the opportunity to exercise our faith.
Finally, because of all the risks associated with the surgery and the additional risks we found as we prepared for the surgery, we made the decision with heavy hearts to transfer our care to a new OB at a high risk practice who could deliver at a (further away) hospital with a higher level NICU. I have not met the new OB yet, but have heard wonderful things about her and am so confident in her abilities. It was a hard decision to switch because my OB and MFM have taken such amazing care of us through all of this, and I credit much of our babies' well being to their diligent watch and care, but both of them recommended the switch in the best interest of the twins. That is truly the sign of a caring and wonderful doctor. Because of the transfer of care, the new OB wanted to check in on the babies as quickly as possible since my first appointment with her is not until Thursday of this week, so I was able to go in for a spot check ultrasound on Friday in Labor and Delivery and they found that both boys are still doing well, have great heartbeats and full bladders, and the dividing membrane was visible because little Mr. B finally had some fluid! No more seran wrap going on! HOORAY! So now we just continue to take it easy, get lots of protein, lots of water and lots of rest, and hope that the next few weeks will continue to show progress in the right direction!
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