Inadequate

note: I wrote this post on Sunday and couldn't get it to post, so I have been contemplating whether or not to post it since. I wondered whether my inability to post it was a sign that complaining about your calling is bad and then I decided to post it anyway. This is me, this is how I feel, and this is my life. I know it will get better and I am grateful for experiences that help me to grow, but next time I get a new calling and wonder how I will ever survive it, I want to be able to look back and know that it always starts rough and turns into a great experience of learning and growth!

Sundays are not my favorite day of the week…in fact, at present, they are not even in the running. I love sacrament meeting, I love spending time with family and I love that I never have to cook on Sundays, but even so, Sundays are a struggle. Instead of lifting me up and refueling me spiritually for the week ahead, Sundays make me feel inadequate as a primary teacher and ill-equipped for my upcoming responsibilities as a mother.

Primary is really not my thing…which, I realize, is the reason why it is currently my calling. I team-teach the 9 and 10 year-olds and they are great kids individually, but when you group the four of them together, it gets a little crazy! If I make it through even one of the lesson points or stories, I count myself lucky. We were in charge of Sharing time today (well last week actually, but I thought it was today, so we weren’t ready for last week). Since the extent of my primary knowledge comes from my primary years, which are merely a faint memory at this point, I researched Sharing time on LDS.org and got some more great ideas from Sugardoodle.com. I typed out parts for each of my class members and had them volunteer for what they wanted to do. I made sure that we had an activity planned that would allow all of the kids in senior primary to participate and it seemed like something they would enjoy. I made sure that I brought cookies for them to eat in advance as we prepared during our class-time before the lesson and even bribed them with lollipops at the very end of sharing time if they were reverent.

Suffice it to say 2 of the 4 earned their lollipops and even that was a stretch! Why is it that my 4 year-old is more reverent than any of the 9 and 10 year-olds, and frankly the entire senior primary – even without the lollipop as motivation? I am sure he will be obnoxious when he gets that age too! :) What it all comes down to is this…I am not a very good primary teacher. I don’t know how to keep my class reverent, I don’t know how to get them engaged in the lesson, and I am pretty sure they don’t even like me (which, if the other points were in place wouldn't really matter). Sadly, this also brings to light the fact that I am very ill-prepared to handle my own children’s movement toward greater independence. I certainly have some growing and learning to do!

And then, tonight, the youth met at our house to plan out their skit for Youth conference. I miss them so much! I miss their fun and bubbly spirits, I miss their inquisitive minds, I miss their lively off-topic conversations, I miss the quiet lessons that invited the spirit, and I miss that feeling that I was making a difference.

I am trying to have faith that Heavenly Father will help me to become a better teacher for these kids and that at some point in the future I will be able to make a difference for them. I am guessing that I have forgotten about similar feelings of inadequacy I felt when I was first called to teach the Young Women. I am sure this feeling will follow me through many aspects of my life and that it will only make me grow and improve…after all that is why we are here.